3 Things You Should Do Before You Cheat On Your Girlfriend

All right, everyone. Listen up. I’ve got a story to tell. And it isn’t pretty, as much as I wish I could say it is.

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up with each other two years ago. Well, I broke up with him -- he was 26 and trying to wife me, and I was 23 and barely ready to even be a serious girlfriend.

I also made him cry while I had the good ol’ “it’s over” talk with him. And no, I didn't tell you that because I’m trying to sound like a bitch; I told you because it’s relevant to the morals I will later preach in this article.

Anyway, one fine day this past summer, my ex Facebook Messaged me saying that he reads my articles. Seeing as I’m a girl, and therefore an inherently hyper-analytical being, I lost more than one night’s sleep wondering why he reached out to me in the first place (to reconnect? Because he genuinely cares about my well-being? Because he’s straight up just an assh*le?)

But it turns out that wasn’t the last of the messages. Another day, he asked me where he could buy a cheap suit (?). Then, he told me we should get dinner. The messages wouldn’t stop pouring in, creeping their way up like sly little bastards, the way ~Aunt Flo~ does the day before it comes to town and turns into full-blown Niagara Falls.

About a month later, he decided to message me again at precisely 7:30 AM on a Wednesday with the following message: “Happy birthday!” The thing is, it wasn’t my f*cking birthday, so he was either really drunk at 7:30 AM on a Wednesday or thirsty as f*ck and looking for me to quench his thirst and, thus, cheat on his girlfriend.

Well, unfortunately for him, I’m not a bottle of Gatorade. I am a woman with feelings, dammit, whose general reception of the aforementioned Facebook messages was a) He's an absolute moron and b) Does his girlfriend know about this?

Oh, right. I forgot to mention one teeny-tiny detail: My ex has a new girlfriend.

Yep. She's petite and blonde and basically everything I’m not (oh, Melissa*, if you’re reading this, SUP!). Normally, I wouldn’t be as irate with an ex popping back into my life as I currently am, but it turns out that teeny-tiny detail actually makes a huge f*cking difference.

I’m assuming that my ex hasn’t told Melissa he likes to hit me up sometimes, and that she’s living in the dark like some poor f*cking groundhog that doesn't really know what's going on most of the year.

Folks, I am many things, but I am NOT a home wrecker. Therefore, I am not going to spill to Melissa what's been happening behind her back, but I DO have a few things to say to my ex and all of the other men (or women) who have ever reached out to their exes whilst in "happy" (PSH) relationships.

Talk to your girlfriend when you have moments of insecurity within your relationship, not your ex.

In what universe does it make sense to talk about your problems with a person you used to f*ck when there’s someone who you’re already f*cking and is both willing and able to listen to your problems?

Is having a face-to-face conversation with someone who loves you really that much more effort than sending a Facebook message to someone who no longer loves you?

TREAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND LIKE SHE’S YOUR GIRLFRIEND. That’s what she’s there for, you f*ck face.

Remember how f*cking awful it would feel if any of this happened to you.

Let me throw something out there for you: How would you feel if your significant other were still talking to his or her ex? Would you love it? Would you condone it? Would you sit there with a damn bag of popcorn and smile, eating those kernels slathered in buttery goodness the whole way through, all the while watching what’s going down right before your eyes?

No. No, you would not. You would flip a sh*t on the dude your boo is hitting up, and then you’d flip a sh*t on your boo, and then you’d proceed to drown your sorrows in the company of your two BFFs, Jim Bean and Jack Daniels.

Break up. If it’s not a “F*CK YES,” it’s a f*cking “No.”

Look, if you aren’t waking up every day, grateful as hell for the woman you’ve been telling the world is your woman, and you aren’t crazy enough about her that you would fly a plane across the country just to get In-N-Out for her while she's on her period, then you're not in it for real, and you need to GTFO.

You either love her unconditionally, or you don’t love her enough to be committed to her -- and only her -- and thus should not be in a relationship to begin with.

There is nothing worse than stringing someone along when you know your true feelings deep down. Why would you do that to her? Hell, why would you do that to yourself?

Don’t half-ass your way into -- and then try to half-ass your way out of -- a relationship. This isn’t “Two Step” by Ciara. You aren’t on a dance floor, and no one is asking you to show off your most f*ckboy moves.

Kiddies, stay safe. But more importantly, DON’T stay CUFFED if you can’t handle the STUFF that comes with being CUFFED.

*Names have been changed