A few years back, I encountered a couple that fought almost every week. There was always an issue, a concern or a mistake that brought them to the verge of aggression.
Evidently, it was difficult for them to practice patience and yet, despite all of the anger that seemed to rise in a seven-day interval, they stayed together.
When they weren't fighting, they seemed so in love with each other. They looked so happy, so excited to be in each other's arms and, more than anything, no one could be more perfect for either of them.
I couldn't understand how the relationship could work because they fought like cats and dogs. I was raised to believe that in a “match made in heaven” relationship, people barely fought. And if there was fighting, it wouldn't be as intense and frequent as the fights these two had. But, quite simply, they worked.
Once I saw how they fought, I was able to understand why they stayed together despite the arguments. Though frequent fighting is not a good indicator of a healthy relationship, how you handle the fighting is what can make all the difference.
In the midst of a fight, you see each other at your worsts. The tempers, the insecurities, the doubts, the lack of understanding — it all comes out to fuel your beliefs. You want to be right for feeling how you feel and your partner wants to prove you wrong. This is not helpful for the state of a relationship.
Someone once told me that in the fights, it's important to love each other more. It is easy to love when you receive the affection that makes you happy, but what if you feel wronged?
What if the other person does something to hurt you and even thinks you're unreasonable for feeling how you do? How would you handle it?
It is important never to equate understanding the origin of the person's feelings to an irrational act.
One of you has to be wiling to stand up, take the lead and work to be better, despite who gets to be “right.” Pull each other out of the black hole of anger and aggression.
Be brave enough to face your fears and emotional baggage and don't give consent to growing apart. Carry each other through the trials.
Seek to understand above being understood. When you treat fights with love, things can become better as a result. It allows you to learn and grow as a person and, more importantly, to learn how to take better care of someone else's heart in addition to your own.
Many of us are afraid to be in vulnerable positions. We fear being on the receiving end of heartache but rarely do we think about the fear associated with breaking someone's heart.
Trying to see things from each other's perspective will make your relationship stronger. When you try to see things beyond how they affect you, you'll begin to understand to the point of compassion. And, with compassion, the love will never go unnoticed.
Be grateful for the good and be exponentially more loving during the bad. Treat fights with love and always strive to handle things better.
Strive to be better, not just for yourself but most especially for the one special person who sees so many good things in you -- good things you don't even recognize when you face yourself in the mirror.
Each person is different. Maybe you feel insecure about how other couples are in comparison to you and your significant other, but as long as both of you want to make things work and love each other through the bad, overcoming the challenges might ultimately strengthen your bond.
A love that has traveled to hell and back is a happily-ever-after you won't find too often in life. Take care of it.
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