Here’s What To Know About Dating While Living At Home

First thing’s first: If you’re living at home and hoping to start dating, you’ll want to have an open, candid conversation with your parents. “It’s a really grown-up conversation to have, but dating is a grown-up topic,” says Nina Rubin, life coach and psychotherapist. She recommends asking your parents about their expectations and establishing whether they’re alright with someone staying the night or coming over to hang out with you.

“My boyfriend and I stay in a lot of the time,” says Isabelle, 21. “We usually go to his place or stay at [my house]. I live with my mom and she isn't there a bunch. But she loves my boyfriend and we hang out together or she will leave us alone. If we are hanging out at home, we will just be watching TV and relaxing. My mom is pretty relaxed when it comes to us, so there isn't any weird tension. Usually, we don't have any problems. I think my mom respects a lot of unspoken boundaries. She considers us adults and just wants us to be happy. I think the best advice I can give is to communicate with your parents. Just make it really clear what you want from them when your SO is around.”

Additionally, be honest with the people you’re dating about your current living situation. “I think it can be helpful to talk about why you're living at home,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Nicole Richardson. “Let people know what your boundaries look like.”

Once you’ve had these initial conversations, think about the boundaries you’d like to set with your parents and potential partners and make those clear from the get-go. “Boundaries are your best friend if you are living at home with your parents and you want to start dating,” says Alessandra Conti, celebrity matchmaker at Matchmakers In The City. Claire,* a 21-year-old who lives at home, agrees.

“As much as I love my parents, I don't want them meeting every single person I go on a date with — especially if they're a dud,” she says. “Plus, it adds some stress when a relationship is relatively new. I don't need my parents being judgmental or knowing too much. I think it's affected how I look at dating as well. It's nice to be asked to go do an activity outside or try a new restaurant, rather than inviting someone over for dinner in your home…” Let your parents know that you won’t be introducing them to a person you’re dating until you’ve been on four or five dates, for instance. And make it clear to your date that you won’t be inviting them back to your home for a while.

“If I do invite a date to my house, it's because I trust them more — after all, I'm letting them meet my parents — but I still would prefer to have more time to get to know someone beforehand,” Claire says. “My best advice is [to] take a fresh glance at how you view dating. You shouldn't always just invite people you barely know into your home. It's refreshing to be in a courting situation again, and also makes it easier to not fall so quickly. It can be helpful to separate your home and your dates.”

In other words, strive to keep your home life and dating life separate, at least in the early stages. “Keep the boundary there until you feel that it is time for your potential mate to meet your parents in a more official way, and then it will be easier to spend time at your parents’ home with your partner,” says Conti.

Another pro tip? Rather than sitting in your parents’ living room and watching a movie, strive to get out of the house as much as possible. “Be sure to plan dates that are outside of your parents’ home and be creative!” says Conti. “Picnics, arcades, roller-blading, and hiking are all fun and active dates that take you out into the world.” Use this as an excuse to try new restaurants, browse local bookshops, or hike nature trails. It’s a chance to get to know your date or partner a bit better while simultaneously becoming better acquainted with your city. Plus, it’s an easy way to ensure you’re getting alone time and privacy, at least in small doses.

“My girlfriend lives in New York and I live in Massachusetts,” says Andrew, age 22. “When she comes to visit me, we like to go out at night to dinner and then watch a movie at home in private. During the day, we usually like to go out and do something. Whether it's going for a hike or going to the mall, we like to get out of the house for a little bit. My family is pretty good with privacy, so when we want to be alone, there [are] usually no inconveniences. My family isn't that invested in trying to know every detail about our relationship, which is really nice. It's more of giving them a heads up about when she is arriving. My parents know we want to enjoy each other's company and they respect that. If my mom or dad ever need anything while we are in my room, they will either text me or knock on the door, but that doesn't really happen often.”

Now, even if your parents are the loveliest and most low-key people imaginable, introducing them to your SO is still a pretty big step. And just as you want your date to respect your boundaries, you have to respect theirs.

“While you are comfortable with your parents, a new potential match won't be, especially if it is early days in your relationship,” says Conti. If you’re craving a quiet night in with your new or potential partner, but it’s still early on, ask if they’d be all right spending the evening at their place, instead. In time, you can invite them over to yours as well, just give the relationship time to develop first. (And, in the interim, enjoy the change of scenery!)

“My tip for people in a similar situation is to balance out when you go to visit your significant other,” Andrew says. “Me and my girlfriend like to go back and forth every other week to each other's places, which gives us a change of scenery and things to do. She lives in her own apartment, which is nice when I go and visit, but it's also nice to have her interact with my family when she comes up.”

Once you’re in an established relationship and your partner feels comfortable around your parents, try to embrace that fact! Keep planning fun date activities and balance where you’re spending your time, but make an effort to get to know their family and give them the opportunity to get to know yours.

“I've been with my boyfriend since high school, so my parents met him very early on,” says Allison*, age 23. “For date night, going out is definitely important. Even if it's just going to grab a quick drink somewhere, having some alone time becomes critical for the relationship. That being said, we're both very family-oriented, so it's just as important that the significant other feels comfortable and fits in with the family. A weekday dinner or hangout becomes normal to spend with your family or his/hers... There's something really special about building bonds with your SO's family. It makes you feel closer to them and understand their context and upbringing in a totally different way.”