Why Not Texting Your Ex Is Better Than Any Form Of Breakup Revenge

Over my 22 years of life and approximately seven years of dating (probably three or four of which actually count), I've conducted an experiment of sorts. The conclusion I've come to is this: They always come back.

Need me to elaborate? Well, because you're presumably an awesome, funny, boss babe, you're just too damn hard to resist.

Dudes will be dudes. And before the guys in the house get all riled up, trust me. I know girls can be just as bad, but this story is from my perspective, so sit down.

And because of this we're all undoubtedly going to run into some true, state-of-the-art assholes along the road. I've experienced my fair share of dating mishaps all along the spectrum, ranging from do-I-need-a-restraining-order to suddenly-decided-to-ignore-you-and-get-together-with-my-ex.

And the great majority of these all have one thing in common: They end up coming crawling back.

Which is why I've realized that, rather than seek some sort of revenge, or engage in combat at the end of a relationship (or micro-ship, or kind-of-ship) the absolute best option is to simply wait. Girl, trust me. I know after you found out he was sleeping with your “friend,” your first reaction is to slash his tires and ruin his life. But where will that get you?

That won't undo the sex he had with your friend, and honestly, you'll probably get the cops called on you. And that's just not a cute look. No, once you find out about his deceptive and lowly ways, what you need to do is step away.

That's right. Step back, let him carry on with his terrible, awful, disgusting acts of malice. Don't let him affect you any longer.

I know your fingers are just itching to text him about how badly he hurt you and how he deserves to never find love. I know you're tapping your feet, barely a second away from tracking him down to give him a piece of your mind. Don't.

Simply explain to him why it's over, and that you'll now be carrying on with your life. OK, I know it may end up just a little more dramatic than that, but you get the idea.

The first thing he'll think is, “Why isn't she more angry?” and, “Why isn't she reacting?” He'll be feeling a mixture of thinking he's getting away with it without repercussions, and asking himself why you don't care more. He'll act like he doesn't notice, and play the "I don't care" card, but without a doubt, he's wondering what's going on.

Next, he moves on. As we all eventually do. This period needs to be allotted with an unknown amount of time ranging from a couple of weeks to four or more years. It may seem like it will never end. It may still even shape the way you date. But I promise you, just wait.

And then, almost like magic, at the moment when you least expect it, you see your Facebook messenger light up. Usually this is accompanied with a variation of, “Hey stranger, long time no talk.” "Yes, I know it's been a long time. That's because you're an awful person and I'm avoiding you," is your first thought.

At this point, it's up to you whether you want to play along or take this as the victory it is. With this, you've already won. He is coming back for more and realizing he's wrong, to the point where he's even putting his pride to the wayside and reaching out to the woman he screwed over. That's how bad he wants it.

Depending on your current situation, you may not even want to respond. And you don't need to. You've already won. On the other hand, you can play along.

These conversations end up being almost identical, and pathetically unoriginal. My move is to respond in a neutral tone to really see where it's going. When in doubt, just copy exactly what they say in a different way. Example response: “Hey, yeah it's been a long time.”

They'll ask how you are, and you'll passive aggressively brag about how fabulously things turned out for you. This is when it can go in a few directions. The most basic of them will be something along the lines of, “We should really chill and catch up sometime, when are you free?” and you may even hear trumpets tooting a celebration song when he throws out the, “I really regret how I treated you, you're a great girl and you don't deserve that.”

The next step is up to you. I mean, don't go hang out with him or try to relight that fire, of course. That's foolish and undoes all the work you put in by waiting. You're just asking for the same thing to happen again if you do.

Fall into the trap twice, and well, I can't help you with that formula. This one I have down to a science, so stick to the plan.

But at this point, you can toss him a nice, "Thank you for the apology. You're right, I do deserve better," "Thanks for the invite, but I don't think I can fit you into my schedule," etc. Without having to use an ounce of your precious energy, you're able to not only move on, but also get the jerk to realize how badly he messed up. Is there any better feeling than that?

This, ladies, is the best kind of closure there is.

I'm still waiting on a couple of them. And I'm confident that, given a bit more time, I'll find their sorry ass on my doorstep or sliding into my DMs. Talk to you soon, guys.