A Dream Analyst Explains What Gay Sex Dreams Mean If You're Straight

Whether it’s a sex dream about a friend, a sex dream about the lanky bartender you saw last weekend, or a sex dream about your cat, what goes on in our subconscious often feels like it’s coming way out of left field. Those seemingly random gay dreams you had about your hot second cousin twice removed may not be an indication of actual desire for them — instead, it’s your brain’s way of communicating something about your relationship, sensual or otherwise.

“Sex in a dream is rarely about sex at all — sorry to take the fun out of it,” dream expert Lauri Loewenberg previously told Elite Daily. “In most cases, sex in a dream is not about a physical union you want, but rather a psychological union you need or want. It's all about having or needing a psychological connection with the person in your dream or merging a particular quality that person has into your own personality.”

Even if you identify as straight, a gay sex dream here and there does not necessarily demonstrate a deeper homoerotic urge. But if you’re a straight-identifying person, that gay dream has the potential to shake you up — and that’s OK.

If you’re feeling a little freaked out by a queer dream, Luke Thao, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate (LMFTA) and member of the PNW Sex Therapy Collective based in Seattle, says it’s important to acknowledge your discomfort. “Honor that fear process,” Thao tells Elite Daily. “As someone who identifies as a gay male raised in conservative Christian church culture, when I first had those thoughts I was like, ‘Oh my god, I don’t want to think about those things.’ But the truth is, for me personally and in my experience working with [clients], I’ve found that it’s really important to honor that. Don’t shift too quickly to reassurance mode; you don’t immediately have to feel like, ‘Oh my god, it’s OK!’ Totally honor that space.”

Just like a gay dream doesn’t automatically make you gay, having negative or uncomfortable feelings about your dream doesn’t automatically make you homophobic. Your discomfort is a reflection of the prevailing social structures in place that regularly demonize queerness and encourage us to think in binary terms. Thao emphasizes the power that these cultural norms have, especially when we’re trying to understand our own sexualities. “There’s a fear of anything not straight,” he says.

It’s also possible that, after the initial shock or anxiety about the dream, you realize that it actually felt good, and these are feelings you think you might like to explore. In that instance, Thao says go for it.

“OK, you had a homoerotic dream, you’re not queer, you’re not gay, if you don’t want to be. However you navigate it, after you’ve taken the time to acknowledge that fear and anxiety, now you have the opportunity to really examine how you want to make meaning of that dream,” he says. “If I had a client who was succumbing to the homophobic, heteronormative discourse that forces us to ask, like, ‘Oh my god, am I this or that?’ I would tell them: I’m not sure, either. Let’s take that journey together. But that journey can usually only come after you’ve had that safety space.”

Human sexuality is an open-ended spectrum. New Gallup poll findings show that “one in six Gen Z adults consider themselves LGBT,” overall LGBT alignment has increased from 4.5% in 2017 to 5.6% of the population across generations in 2021, and the majority of those LGBT Americans identifies as Bisexual. So if you secretly really liked that gay sex dream, does that make you gay full stop? Probably not — but your sexuality, just like your subconscious, is fluid and always evolving. Read on for more about why you might be having those gay or lesbian fantasies even if you identify as straight.

Lesbian Dreams

If you’re straight but have found that you sometimes dream about hooking up with other women, you’re in good company. Sex therapist Vanessa Marin previously told Bustle, “Same-sex fantasies are one of the most common fantasies, especially for women. It typically falls within the top three to five most popular fantasies.” In fact, in 2016 the Daily Mail reported the results from a Boise State University study that tested the attraction of 484 straight-identifying women and found that 60% of them were sexually attracted to other women, 45% had kissed a woman, and 50% had fantasies about other women.

That being said, a sapphic subconscious could indicate a lot of things aside from pure sexual desire, according to Loewenburg.

“Typically, dreams about a female partner indicate you’re looking for more warmth, sensitivity, or creativity,” the dream expert previously told Elite Daily. “It's actually very common to have a girl-on-girl dream during pregnancy because, for some, there is nothing more feminine than carrying and giving life.”

Whether or not you think sex with women is something you’d want to explore IRL, lesbian dreams and fantasies are incredibly common and have a lot to teach us about ourselves.

Gay Male Dreams

Much like a lesbian dream might illuminate a desire for increased feminine energy, a gay male dream might be your subconscious expression of craving masculine energy.

“Dreams about a male partner — for a guy — are often all about being assertive and manly,” Loewenburg previously told Elite Daily. “These sort of dreams can happen when you’re bulking up, when you land a hot date, or get a promotion ... something that has caused you to really appreciate being a guy.”

Gay Dreams About Someone You Know

If instead of a gorgeous, nameless stranger, your dreams are populated by an acquaintance, friend, or family member of the same gender, your brain could be telling you something important about your bond.

“If the partner in your dream is someone you may actually know, then you should first ask yourself if the two of you connected on some level recently, had a deep conversation, or just came to a certain understanding,” Loewenburg previously told Elite Daily.

No matter who’s in them or what you may be doing, gay sex dreams can be a source of anxiety for someone who identifies as straight — or someone who just isn’t totally sure about their sexuality at all. “These dreams can certainly cause us to question our sexuality,” Loewenburg previously told Elite Daily. “But if other than the dream, you are certain you are straight, sex dreams may not be an actual indication of your desire. Most often, girl-on-girl or guy-on-guy dreams are really about the qualities you seek in a partner. The dreaming mind is very sexually fluid.”

Experts:

Luke Thao, MA, LMFTA (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate)

Lauri Loewenburg, dream expert