Confessions Of A F*ckboy: 12 Texts All Girls Send And How Guys Interpret Them

So, you want to know what the guys are thinking. That's what you're here for, right?

That's what I'm here to tell you, so let's do some of that.

I usually use this or my other space to answer that question in the macro sense. I talk about ideas and trends and tell stories about how dating doesn't work. I talk about the bigger picture.

This is all well and good, but to truly examine the interpersonal disconnect between men and women, you need to look at the micro. You need to look at communication.

To truly examine the interpersonal disconnect between men and women, you need to look at communication.

At the most rudimentary level, words are the things that bound us and break us apart. And for people our age, words and communication and whether anything works or not in the dating world means texting.

In truth, most men don't care so much about what someone says, specifically, in a text conversation. We care much more about mood, rhythm, flow, and style. (Texting is really more of a high art than it's given credit for – it's both the purest and impure method of communication.)

We know if you're pissed based on how you're texting, not what. Changing your texting behavior – whether it's your pace, frequency or word count — is the clearest sign that something is different (and usually gone wrong).

We've engrained our real personalities into our digital lives so much that any variance in one reflects clearly in the other.

However, that doesn't mean what you say doesn't matter; it just means we already know what most of you say means. We've decoded female texting small-talk (Small-text? Is that a phrase? Coining it!) after years of practice.

Don't believe me? Keep reading. This is what you say, and what we know you really mean. 

What we know you really mean: "You haven't texted me lately and I'm mad enough to hate-fuck you for it."

What we think when we see it: Could she be any more obvious?/That's my line.

What we'll do: Wait even longer than usual before texting you back.

(This text usually comes after a long period of inactivity.)

What we know you really mean: "I'm drunk and thinking about you."

What we think when we see it: She's wasted. What was that bar she liked called again?

What we'll do: Text back immediately because we don't know when you'll put your phone back in your bag and go dancing again.

What we know you really mean: "Watching 'The Bachelor' right now. I don't care what you're doing."

What we think when we see it: Should I Google "The Bachelor" right now?

What we'll do: Coordinate our texts with commercial breaks.

(On a weekend night.)

What we know you really mean: "Should I come?"

What we think when we see it: This bar is not as crowded as I want it to be.

What we'll do: Know what she really means and respond accordingly.

What we know you really mean: "I feel fat."/"I look bad rn."/"I'm a potato."

What we think when we see it: Smh. This is texting; it should be an “I feel fat” safe zone. Everyone feels fat! She is an adult. She must stop looking every which way for pity.

What we'll do: Not engage in your self-loathing. It's just clickbait.

What we know you really mean: "You disappointed me in a bittersweet way."

What we think when we see it: I don't suck.

What we'll do: Say "I know."

What we know you really mean: Um, couldn't tell you...

What we think when we see it: Does anyone know what the fuck this means?

What we'll do: Act confused.

What we know you really mean: "You have no chance."

What we think when we see it: Maybe she's on Tumblr?

What we'll do: Accept our fate. This isn't the movies.

(When planning a date.)

What we know you really mean: "Maybe. Depends what else comes up."

What we think when we see it: I might have believed her if it weren't for the exclamation point. Make back-up plans, for sure.

What we'll do: Say anything that doesn't give her a clear excuse to get out of it.

(When planning a date.)

What we know you really mean: "I won't let you know."

What we think when we see it: I'm an option, but the third option. If she's my only option, I need to find two more, too.

What we'll do: Not make reservations.