Breaking up is hard to do. No one can argue with that, but you may have noticed that some relationships are easier to end than others. By using the ancient practice of astrology, you can hack into your loved one's mind to make that breakup as painless as possible.
I've been studying astrology for a decade. For years I didn't own a TV and I didn't drink, which led to having far too much time on my hands. While I don't study astrology to predict future outcomes like you see in horoscopes, I've found astrology to be particularly useful as a guide to someone's personality.
Drawing up someone's astrological chart is an amazingly complex thing -- it can be studied and analyzed forever without ever fully understanding it, much like an actual person.
Knowing a person's sun sign is only the beginning. But it gives you an overview of what makes them tick, and is often the most glaring portion of a person's chart.
Using the 12 sun signs, I've drawn up this guide to ending your relationship.
Keep in mind that you should look be looking for your partner's sign here; the instructions are for you.
Aries (March 21 - April 19): Pass it off as the other person's idea.
As the “youngest” sign of the zodiac, Aries love to be the first to do everything. An Aries won't be able to stand the thought that you were the first to decide to end the relationship. Trying to break up will lead to a fight, and with Aries, fighting means sex. Once that happens, every time you try to leave, your Aries partner will think you're trying to engage in breakup foreplay.
The best way to leave an Aries is to become everything that the Aries can't stand: lazy, confused and overly cautious. Then it will become your partner's choice, and it won't take long.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20): Start changing your environment.
Taurus is a bull. People born under Taurus are stable, dependable, and incredibly set in their ways. Because of that, they're a little too willing to work through problems that you may not have the patience for. One way to eliminate the time it would take to troubleshoot with your Taurus is to mess with your partner's way of doing things.
Start rearranging the furniture without warning or input. Refuse to go to the same restaurants you've always enjoyed together, and force your Taurus lover to try something new every single time you leave the house. Be as erratic as you want to be.
It may take some time, but your Taurus will lose their mind, and when he or she does, you'll know it. A Taurus temper is insane. At that point, you can make your exit.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Stop texting back.
Gemini is the sign of communication, so 98 percent of your relationship will be based on how well you communicate with one another. The best way to break things off with a Gemini is to eliminate the back-and-forth.
Try ghosting on a Gemini; your belongings will be on the pavement before you get home. And not in a suitcase, either. They'll be flung from the window, along with any furniture you bought together.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22): Move to another state and change your name.
That is, if you really want them out of your life. Cancer is the most clingy sign in the entire Zodiac, and once you enter a relationship with this one, you're part of this person's family. And your Cancer partner will expect to be in yours.
Long after you've broken up, your Cancer ex will still be at your family's house for dinner every Sunday, calling your mom on Christmas and inviting your friends over to enjoy his or her world-class cooking. It's too bad you can't get a restraining order for someone loving you too much.
Leo (July 23 - August 22): Say, "I'm just not into you."
That's it. A Leo won't stand for being seen as less than the greatest love you've ever had. Your partner will say goodbye that afternoon, but don't expect it to be completely over. The moment you say the word, don't be surprised if a helicopter full of Leo's friends lowers itself out of the sky to carry the Leo away to emotional safety. Those same friends will be reporting back to Leo on your whereabouts for years to come, too.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Change up the household rules.
Virgo is the sign of service and perfectionism. People born under Virgo are very logical, even when it comes to matters of the heart. A Virgo rarely enters into any kind of relationship, even a purely sexual one, without seeing the possibility of a long-term future.
They need to be of service to their loved ones, and they take pride in their usefulness to others, but when under-appreciated, they tend to feel lost. If you tell a Virgo you don't want help or assistance, he or she won't see the purpose of the relationship anymore and will likely move on.
Libra (September 23 - October 22): Forget your manners.
As the sign of balance and justice, Libra needs things to be fair. The Libra sees acts of love as currency, and your partner is probably weighing the scales to make sure the love between you is evenly spread.
The best way to disrupt a relationship with a Libra is to lie back and do nothing. And don't be polite about it. People born under Libra are incredibly skilled communicators and will do their best to let you know that they're planning on leaving you (it's only fair). But the less you seem to care, the easier it will be for them to walk out the door.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): Profess your love.
That's literally all you need to do. Even if your partner feels the same way, he or she will be too terrified by your openness to return the sentiment, and you'll never see this person again. (Know that there will be eyes on you, though.)
Scorpio is the sign of mystery, and your Scorpio ex will want to maintain an elusive persona. But expect YOUR privacy to be appreciated. People born under Scorpio are natural detectives. If a Scorpio loves you, he or she will have one eye on you until the day you die.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Bench yourself.
People born under Sagittarius won't feel weighed down by anyone, especially a partner, who they see as a teammate. Their view on love and romance is characteristic of a sportsman, so the best way to break it off is to say that you can't keep up.
You can do this directly -- or, if you're afraid of confrontation, you could always just lie around in the sack like a dead fish while your Sagittarius tries to engage you in acrobatic sex. As soon as the clothes are back on, the Sagittarius will be out the door.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Public shaming.
People born under Capricorn are the politicians of the zodiac. They're obsessed with status and power. However, they're generally closeted perverts. They choose partners who will reflect well on them, and they won't stand for someone who would ever endanger their public standing.
Embarrassing yourself at a Capricorn's CEO's dinner party with a story of your adventurous sexual past would be the equivalent of pouring gas on this relationship, lighting a match, and walking out like you're Matt Damon in "The Bourne Identity."
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Micromanage your partner's life.
As the most independent, strong-willed and trailblazing sign of the zodiac, Aquarius won't be too bothered if you want to break it off. People born under Aquarius aren't built for commitment in the first place.
Aquarius lovers are the only ones who will interpret a home-cooked breakfast as a secret agenda to control their day. Try cutting up your Aquarius lover's food, too. Do it once, while you're both in the kitchen. Your partner will lose his or her mind, and this will be the last meal you'll eat together.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Ask for help with your taxes.
People born under Pisces live in one long, never-ending daydream. They're the most sensitive and self-sacrificing sign in the zodiac, and they cannot bear grown-up things like paying bills, filing health insurance claims or doing their taxes. That being said, nothing will stop a Pisces from helping a loved one -- unless that involves confronting reality.
Show up at your Pisces's house with an old tax return and stacks of receipts and say you need help filing this year. Pisces people won't bother opening the folder to see that it's an old return or bother to tell you that they moved across the country to avoid saying “no” to a loved one in need.
If you feel a breakup coming on in your current relationship, hopefully this will help. Unless you don't know your partner's birthday. In that case, you kind of deserve a bad breakup.
