I Turned My Hands Into Vibrators With This High-Tech New Sex Toy

I've always dreamed of the day I would become a gigantic vibrating sex toy.

The Hello Touch X finger vibrator, which you strap onto your wrist and fingertips, is as close to becoming the bionic woman as I was ever going to get. So I immediately got one, hoping I could use my hands to become a sex toy version of the Terminator.

I was going to turn my hands into vibrators. The dream. The f*cking dream.

JimmyJane Hello Touch X, $70, Amazon

According to le box, The Hello Touch X is ideal for couples play and solo play. It's an all-access pass to get more ass. From "clitoral action" to G-spot fodder, this thing will getcha there. It's no joke. It's made out of "medical grade silicone and steel."

After opening the finger vibes, I was pretty impressed and a little bit intimidated. I expected gloves, but these were little bead-like things attached to a snake of various cords and wires that you strapped on to your index and middle fingers.

Turns out I'm actually turning my fingers into vibrators, not my whole hand. I have to admit that I was somewhat disappointed.

The instructions are very comprehensive. There are even diagrams to show how to use it, but they're very confusing. I felt anxious.

The box came with two sets of pods, but I couldn't figure out if I could wear both sets at the same time because there was only one wrist holder.

I learned the two pods are for two different kinds of finger vibrators: one coated in plastic (vibration) and one with metal on the end (electrodes). You can use the plastic ones as a classic vibrator (a la Edward Vibratorhands), and the metal ones as a bondage, S&M, let-me-zap-your-genitalia thing. Jimmy Jane explains that these are two very different, fun AF experiences. Do you wanna vibe or do you wanna feel the burn?

More trouble came in bionic paradise when I plugged in the vibe and a green light went on and then off.

PANIC PIXIE NIGHTMARE.

After a frantic email to Jimmy Jane, I was sent a product demo video, and I realized I was not plugging in the pods correctly. It was a simple fix, but I would HIGHLY recommend checking out the video when you get the pods, as the directions aren't clear. At least they weren't for me. C'est la f*cking vie.

The vibrating pods are standard, but the electrodes provide an entirely different, borderline weird sensation. It's literally like getting shocked. It hurts. If you hold them in the same place long enough, they burn. But hey, I know there are a lot of you kinky-ass bastards are into that sh*t, so I guess this is article is for you guys.

I'm kind of terrified to put this on or in my vagina. But let's get down to it.

JimmyJane Hello Touch X, $70, Amazon

Sex With BAE

The Hello Touch X cannot be used spontaneously. It took me forever to get the thing set up. There are so many wires and things that need to be plugged in. I suggest planning ahead and making sure it's ready to play with before you even start getting down. I basically had my boyfriend bopping me on the head with his hard-on while waiting for me to get this sh*t figured out.

We started with the vibration pods. All jokes aside, this sh*t was bomb. It intensified sex soooo much. It's no secret that I came faster than you can make Ramen noodles, but this was crazy.

We started with a blowjob with the added vibrator hand/ball massage. I couldn't believe how empowered I felt. I felt like I was a robot sex goddess.

We then did missionary. I turned the gloves on myself at that point.

Buddy boy got a little crazy with the organic lube. He tends to be a "more is more" person when it comes to lube, so he just slathered that sh*t on like whipped cream on apple pie a la pussy.

When I reached down to touch my clit, I momentarily freaked out. My brain was automatically like, "Wires, wetness, BAD!" But then I remembered that these babies can literally go inside my vagina and be fine, and I had one of the most intense orgasms I've had in a while. I, like, legit almost cried.

I got on top to finish the deal, reaching behind to grab BAE's balls again. The gloves did slip a bit. I lost the probe on my middle finger two times. This was due to the slippery slidiness of the lube. Also, you need to have both electrodes in contact with the skin to make them work. Take one off, and it stops.

Solo Sesh

I decided to have a little "Me Time." I stuck with vibrations because I don't know about shocking my clitoris with electrodes quite yet.

This was a quick-and-dirty session. It was different from using my usual clit-stimulating vibrator because I didn't have to focus on holding anything in place. Sometimes I feel like using a regular vibrator can dampen the mood because you have to hold it steady.

I went to f*cking town. I put it on the highest vibration setting and could feel the vibrations through my fingers and down my whole arm. Not to mention my entire vibrating vagina.

Sex With BAE (Again. Because Lightning Can Strike Twice.)

Along came the massive snowstorm that left all of us New Yorkers stranded in our respective apartments. Ah, Snowmageddon. What else is there to do besides sleep, eat and have gratuitous sex?

I woke BAE up with kisses and a sweet whisper, "I'm excited to use electrodes on your balls later. It might burn!"

It was obviously just an all-weekend f*ckfest. I mean, literally, we had no choice. IT WAS SURVIVAL!

I figured now was a good time to let BAE have a turn with my new toy, but I just wasn't as into it. I didn't like giving up the power. So after about 3 minutes, I took it back.

I got crafty and moved the vibration pods from my fingertips to my knuckles so I could give better massages on the balls without losing a probe. It was awesome.

Finally, I slipped on the electro-stimulation pods in place of the vibration pods. Yes, it was motherf*cking time for Electromagnetic Ballsac (this is not just the name of my new band).

The electrodes look the same as the vibration pods, so I figured I'd just make the switch without letting BAE know. Better to surprise when it comes to grundle electrocution, you know?

He didn't seem to notice them. As far as I could tell, he was enjoying himself as much as any other time we engage in coitus.

If there was one thing I noticed about the electrode pods, it's that they needed to be held in one place for an extended period to feel the pulses. As it were, I wasn't doing this much during my rowdy intercourse sesh.

What I also gathered is that these electrodes were more for that S&M type shiz rather than straight up sex. Like hog tied and strapped.

I much prefer the vibrating pods because as much as S&M is thrilling, I wouldn't like my partner to equate our sex life with being dragged to the electric chair.

As for hog tied and strapped ... who knows, maybe that will be my next endeavor. Stay tuned.

Conclusions

I liked this toy, despite how f*cking hard it was for me to set up initially. Always read the directions, children. This is something we must remember.

It was a lot of fun and allowed me to change up the power dynamics in my relationship. As someone who is usually a sub between the sheets, it gave me the chance to try out something new.

I'm all for anything kinky, and these certainly fit the bill. I readily admit that I became a bit drunk on the power. But I believe the Hello Touch X will be more of a guest star than a regular during my playtime with BAE.

That being said, it's a quick and easy way to orgasm during solo time. No risk of carpal tunnel!