Here’s What Happens When You Love Someone Who Isn’t Good For You

There’s a major difference between wanting to spend all of your time with your partner and feeling like you have to spend all of your time with them and away from anybody else.

"When you’re in love with someone who isn’t good for you, your other relationships take the back burner, or you alienate yourself from your support system," Burns explains. "When you’re first dating someone and falling in love, you go through that honeymoon phase where you’re obsessed with spending a lot of time with your new partner, but it takes an unhealthy turn where you stop investing time and energy into nurturing your other friendships."

Sometimes, that happens just because you're distracted by new love — and you can fix that by putting in the effort to reprioritize — but it can also be the result of a controlling partner.

"If your partner is controlling, they may ask or force you to stop going out with your friends, or talk poorly about your family, slowly and manipulatively isolating you from others," Burns says.

If anyone you're dating freaks out when you try to have fun without them, or asks you to stop spending time with your other loved ones completely, it’s a major red flag that they have possessive tendencies.

“One form of insecure attachment is called ‘preoccupied attachment,’ in which a person is overly focused on preserving closeness and hypersensitive to any hint at abandonment,” Dr. Jake Porter, a licensed professional counselor, told Bustle. “Time with someone is interpreted as taking away from the primary relationship, something to be competed with.”

As Burns points out, we all have needs — and we all need things at different levels. All of that is totally normal, too. "Everyone has needs, and some have more than others, which isn’t a bad thing,” Burns says. “You shouldn’t let someone make you feel belittled or judged for wanting more.”

If you're feeling needy all the time, however, that can be a sign that you're with someone who isn't good for you. "We tend to only feel needy when our partners aren’t meeting our emotional needs," Burns says. "When you’re with the right partner, you’ll be able to openly talk about both of your needs and ways you can help meet each other’s."

What you want to watch out for is a partner who doesn't seem to understand or care about your needs. "When you’re with the wrong person, they will ignore or refuse to help you or change their behavior,” Burns explains. “There’s an overwhelming sense of disconnection, and one or both of you don’t speak each other’s love language, which is the way you make each other feel most loved.”

Being in a relationship with someone who isn't good for you — and thus, doesn't make you feel good about yourself — can also pose a problem for your own self-esteem and make future relationships feel more difficult for you.

"Dating someone who isn’t good for you slowly diminishes your self-worth, and you begin to believe that you’re not worthy or deserving of a loving, fulfilling relationship," Burns says. "You pick at your flaws and mentally beat yourself up."

Your partner should be your biggest supporter and give you confidence to do all the things that you aspire to. If spending time with them consistently drains your emotional energy, they’re likely not the one.

“If our partner is not supportive, not only are they not complementing us, but we are picking up their slack while carrying our own. What's more, we are carrying the weight of knowing that we are picking them up without reciprocation,” Chris Armstrong, founder of the relationship coaching company Maze of Love, previously told Elite Daily. “This is what I refer to as the uneven seesaw. We know how it feels when we're on the wrong end of the seesaw just dangling in the air.”

As a result, Burns says you might start to settle for less than you deserve. "You feel desperate for love and connection, so you lower your standards for anyone who shows you attention because you don’t think that you’re worth more," she says.

Something to keep in mind is that a partner who isn't good for you may also be emotionally abusive, so it's important to watch out for signs like gaslighting, too.

"Someone who isn’t good for you may also engage in a manipulative form of emotional abuse called gaslighting, in which they deny and invalidate your emotional experiences," Burns explains. Gaslighting can make you start to focus more on your partner's feelings than your own, and make you feel like you're always wrong even when you're not.

"They don’t take accountability for their wrongdoing, blame you, and somehow even when you know you’re in the right, you wind up apologizing just to smooth things over because you’re uncomfortable with the tension," Burns says. "You then start to tiptoe around conflict and worry more about their feelings than your own."

If you feel like you can't ever bring up anything that's bothering you because your partner will just blame you, that's a major red flag.

If you're trying to move on from a relationship in which you were in love with someone who wasn't good for you, Burns has some advice.

"Spend time rebuilding your self-concept and identity by working toward new goals in your personal and professional life," she suggests. "Engage in new hobbies, whether it’s signing up for your first 5K, learning to play the guitar, or planning an international vacation, and surround yourself with quality friends who build you up."

Along with finding new hobbies, cultivating your friendships, and building your identity back up again, it's important to spend time learning to really value yourself.

"You need to reclaim your power and rebuild your worth," Burns says. "A healthy, secure relationship develops when you value, respect, and love yourself first. The relationship you have with yourself impacts all other relationships in your life, so you need to get to a place where you know you’re a catch and someone will be lucky to have you."

And remember, you can absolutely be in a healthy, fulfilling relationship while you're still working on these things — as long as you're taking care of yourself and putting yourself first. You deserve a partner who does the same — a partner who's good for you — and you deserve to be in a supportive relationship where you can both grow together.

Experts:

Samantha Burns, dating coach and author of Breaking Up & Bouncing Back

Dr. Jake Porter, a licensed professional counselor

Chris Armstrong, founder of relationship coaching company Maze of Love

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1(800) 799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org.