The Science Of Dirty Talk: Why We're So F*cking Nasty In Bed
“Yeah, baby, f*ck me harder.”
Tell me you didn't squirm. You did, right? Just a little? But did you get a tingle? Hmm?!
Dirty talk: So many of us crave it during sex, yet we often feel awkward doing or asking for it. Why do you want to talk dirty to your partner? Why do you want to call your girlfriend a filthy little slut? Why do you want to tell your boyfriend you love sucking his dick?
Because it's hot. That's why. It will turn you and your partner on... if you let it, that is.
As the world changes and we move out of the f*cking dark ages and into the light, sex has become less taboo and more the subject of public discourse.
Yet, as many sluggish steps that society takes, sex is still one of the most demonized topics out there, though, ironically, it is also one of the most highly discussed. We have a fascination with human sexuality while we still harbor the ideas of its inherently lascivious nature.
As I've said on countless other occasions, vilifying sex is complete bullsh*t. We all have a little kink riding somewhere under the surface.
What's more, there is nothing wrong with wanting to explore the linguistics of the mind's darker fantasies, to play into a sexual scenario in the privacy of our boudoirs (or outside of them, no judgment).
You shouldn't feel like a pervert just because you want to vocalize your sexual wants, whatever those wants may be. Talking dirty adds a layer to your cultivated sexual experience.
It can bring you closer to your partner and allow you to explore avenues you may have never ventured through before. It's nothing to feel ashamed of -- it's sex. It's supposed to be dirty, erotic and, most of all, fun!
This isn't the library, so raise that voice. There's a perfectly scientific explanation as to why we say the things we say in the bedroom.
You're less self-conscious in the moment
When we are achieving orgasm, the brain releases the neurochemical, oxytocin. As the Huffington Post points out, oxytocin reduces stress levels and lowers your risk of depression.
When we're less stressed out, we're much more likely to say the things we want to in bed.
We're not worried about what our thighs look like splayed out on the mattress or if our moans sound like a dying dog's. We're just thinking, “I'm going to say what I need to say to intensify these feelings.”
Since we aren't feeling the same kind of anxiety or personal insecurities we might have otherwise, we're more likely to open up.
It allows you to take control
...Or to relinquish it. There are three main types of people we can be in the bedroom: The Director, The Narrator or The Submissive.
According to The Consensual Project, The Narrator describes and explains what is happening during the act of sex, while The Director bluntly says what the want.
Ex. Narrator: It feels so good when you touch my nipples. Director: Touch my nipples.
Description vs. demand.
The Submissive allows for his or her partner to take control. As Emily Dubberley, a sex and relationship specialist and author of “Garden of Desires,” notes submissive roles can, “[c]over a wide range of flavours from simply giving in to a dominant man, a la Scarlett O'Hara submitting to Rhett Butler, all the way to rape fantasies or even negotiated and formalised arrangements.”
By vocalizing desires in the bedroom, it's much easier for partners to communicate the sexual roles they crave. Your partner will never know what it is you want without you verbalizing it, making the experience less enjoyable all around.
It increases arousal
As Cosmo points out, sexual desire and arousal are not only triggered by touch. it's not just what you do, but what you say that will help to bring about the greatest kindling of desire.
The sexy phrases you whisper, moan, or scream trigger a neurochemical reaction that gets him hotter for you than ever.
Hearing what your partner wants to do to you is a key element to sexual excitement. The sounds you or your partner make will heighten your sexual experience. So, speak up y'all!
Overcoming the "Good Girl" complex
It's no mystery that it's your boyfriend who encourages you to let your lips loose. There are so many articles that want to “teach” women how to talk dirty, such as this, this and this.
Of course, there are plenty of women who want to talk dirty in bed without any encouragement. Yet while most of us ladies have no issue voicing our wants and desires in life, many of us feel awkward or uncomfortable saying “dirty” things in the bedroom. Why is this?
Enter the "Good Girl" complex.
Similar to the "Madonna-Whore" complex, the "Good Girl" complex represents the idea that women should be “good.” They shouldn't be sexual or enjoy pleasure of a purely sexual nature because then they will not be desirable candidates for marriage.
Dirty talk allows women to break down the barriers of this socially-constructed mindset. It helps to procure the freedom women need to become fluent in their sexuality and to come to terms with their desires.
It allows us to define ourselves as healthy, sexual creatures rather than having us skate the binary of the labels "Madonna" or "Whore."
Attempting to group women into these two cages leaves them trapped. Dirty talk is a tool woman can use to assert their independence.
It allows you to live out a taboo fantasy
According to Dubberley, dominant sexual fantasies can include controlling a personal erotic slave, dressing up in badass leather to conjure your inner dominatrix or becoming a demanding and assertive version of yourself.
The things we fantasize about are outside of our normal, everyday behaviors. Who we are in the bedroom is not necessarily who we are in life. It's an opportunity to explore certain dark desires and try things we normally would be too skittish to maneuver.
Talking dirty to your partner doesn't mean you want to degrade or to think less of him or her.
By calling your girlfriend a “little whore,” you're not actually saying your girlfriend is a whore or you think she is a whore, you're simply playing into a fantasy -- a change of pace and social placement.
If anything, being able to say those dirty, explicit things only emphasizes the trust and intimacy the two of you have as a couple.
