When it comes to relationships, some of us have had the unfortunate but eye-opening experience of being in an extremely toxic one.
For most of us, our first experience was heavy enough to be our last- if we were lucky enough to learn from our mistakes and never get involved in one of those types again. But sometimes, you are so deep in the trenches that you just can't see the mess you are in until it is too late.
Human beings have the tendency to idealize things that they feel are necessary for their own well-being. Studies have shown that being in "love" actually makes your lover seem more attractive, intelligent, and desirable than they really are.
How many times did you look back at and ex and wonder, "Wow, what the fuck was I thinking?" - exactly my point. That is how powerful being infatuated or falling in love can be. It is so powerful that you literally fall head over heels for not just the other person, but also the IDEA of what the other person should or could be.
When it comes to dysfunctional relationships, people usually hold on because they are deeply invested; whether it be finances, dependents, emotions, or even that so much time has passed that they feel there is no way out. People will try to make the best of the situation they are in, endure hardships if they aren't too extreme, or even try to convince themselves of reasons not to leave their current "rehateshunshit."
People who think this way are always living in the future or in the past rather than in the reality that exists now. They have "hope" that one-day things will get better or go back to how things were in the beginning, and that all the pain will go away.
Maybe it will, but rarely is that the case. They become obsessed with hope and see things how they could be rather than how they really are. This is an extremely flawed way of thinking and will bring nothing but long term pain and suffering for both people involved.
So what are some signs that it is time to leave your rehateshunshit?
1.) Physical abuse
Whether it is a one night thing where you got slapped by your drunk partner, or it's a continual barrage of chronic physical abuse that comes from emotional arguments; when it gets to these points, trust is broken and it's probably going to be over. The person you used to look to protect you has now become someone who will harm you when things go wrong.
You can try to forgive and forget the first incident, but don't blame them if they do it again. Maybe they will never hit you again, but you will never forget that they have and this will leave a deep, unforgiving scar. Unless you can truly forgive what happened, chances are your relationship is over. And it definitely should be over if this is a habitual thing.
No ifs, ands or buts about it. The only time you should ever hit your partner is if they turned into a flesh-eating zombie and are trying to eat you- or like to get spanked in bed. Other than that, it's unacceptable and extremely unhealthy. If violence is present in your relationship from EITHER person, yes women even YOU (just because you're hitting a man doesn't make it right) it is time to go.
2.) Addiction
Whether its gambling, drugs, alcohol, or something else, when your partner has become addicted to the point that it has become a problem and is effecting your mental and physical health, or they have betrayed your trust, the relationship is doomed.
If they do not wish to stop their addictive behavior, then it would be in your best interest to leave. If they are not willing to change or they cannot change, you don't have to feel sorry for them. You are in a relationship to be someone's romantic partner, not their therapist. If things don't change, you know where the door is. Maybe you leaving will force them realize it's time to make some serious adjustments in their life.
3.) Deception
Although our lovely media has made you believe lying is normal for men and women, it's not normal for a healthy relationship. The most important thing that needs to be in place in order to have a real, deep and meaningful relationship with someone else is trust.
If you can't tell someone the truth and are constantly finding ways to avoid being in trouble, or avoid confrontation, then you should reconsider what you are doing. If you can't be yourself or you can't do things you want to do because it will hurt the other person, maybe you should find someone else who will appreciate you for you, or just not be in a relationship at all.
If you are being lied to or you are constantly lying to someone else to maintain peace, it's time to stop deceiving yourself and end your relationship. If you can't be honest with yourself, there is no way you can be honest with anyone else.
4.) Cheating
Unless you have an agreement to be in an open relationship, cheating is unacceptable. It is possible to forgive someone for cheating and move on, usually if the situation was extremely complex and both parties contributed to it.
Forgiveness may work ONLY if both parties are willing to make the necessary changes and put the past behind them. It won't be easy but it is possible. However, if the person is a habitual cheater who just wants to have their cake and eat it too, regardless of your feelings, then it's time to walk out the door and have some respect for yourself.
5.) You've grown apart
This happens so often it almost seems inevitable. Over time, people just naturally begin to drift apart; interests change, goals change, and people begin to want to take a different path in life. If you are starting to feel this way towards your relationship, you MUST tell your partner the truth. It is unfair to keep dragging yourself and your partner along just because you are afraid to hurt someone's feelings.
Peoples' feelings will always get hurt, and it's their problem, not yours, if they can't accept the truth. You must be real with yourself and end the relationship; otherwise, you will build resentment towards your partner because you don't have it in yourself to do the right thing. If you are feeling guilty because you don't feel the same anymore, then that is another sign that it's time to go.
6.) Disrespect
This can come in many forms, but in this case I am referring to someone mistreating their partner through constant verbal abuse, mind games, and degradation. If you're in a relationship where your partner is the type to put you down, talk down to you, and make a fool of you for the sake of laughter, then it's time to reconsider your relationship.
You're only move at this point is put out an ultimatum and demand they instantly stop this disrespectful behavior towards you or you will leave. If they don't stop, then stop disrespecting yourself by dating a piece of trash like them. You deserve someone who will respect you and treat you well, and the only way to find him or her is to walk out that door.
7.) Bad communication
If you are in a relationship that has shitty communication, it will naturally fail on its own over time. Constant miscommunications will turn small issues into giant arguments that could have been avoided, and eventually, will one day lead to a break up. If you can't talk to your partner like they are your best friend, then you are really just in a sexual relationship based on convenience rather than deep rapport.
Try to express yourself to your partner and open up the connection. But if you are looking for a deep, meaningful connection where you can share everything that's on your mind and have great conversations, I suggest you walk out that door, otherwise you will be forced out the door after months of painful frustration and endless drama.
8.) It's unbalanced
If you find yourself in a relationship that is totally unbalanced in the favor of your partner, then you are not in a relationship; you are in a dictatorship. A healthy relationship is balanced and both partners play off each other; each contributing to the other at different times.
There may be a time where you need to help your partner, and another time where they need to help you. If you are treating them like royalty while they leave you feeling like a worthless peasant, then it's time for you to get going. It may be hard for you to leave when you feel less appreciated, but that in itself should be enough to go out and get someone who will treat your feelings with more concern.
9.) Ego based
If you are in a relationship where you have realized that you somehow have let your ego fool you to date someone that you would never date, whether it's because you're lonely or to feed your ego, then it's definitely time to reevaluate what the hell you are doing. Many times, someone will become the object of our desire simply because they are a challenge to us.
We can easily fall victim to this ego trick, especially when we want to conquer what we think we can't have and usually do or allow things we would never tolerate in order to obtain them. This usually becomes infatuation and, in time, complete disaster.
If you've finally realized that you have gotten yourself stuck with someone who you have sacrificed your own standards to be with, you need to stop and realize that this person knows that you value them more than yourself, and will use that fact to manipulate you.
You may have already realized this to be true. The only way to regain yourself is to get the fuck out, otherwise, you will fall into a rehateshunship that will only become an unhealthy struggle for egotistic dominion on both ends.
10.) It's only physical
If the only thing you have going in your relationship is physical attraction and sex, eventually it will come to an end. But if there are no problems and the sex is good, then you have to stop and consider where your partner stands. If you partner has more feelings than you and wants more, then the right thing to do is leave; if not, then enjoy.
11.) It's a soap opera
If your relationship is a soap opera and you're not an actor, then it's time to get the hell out of it. End of story. If you hate drama and aren't walking out the door the first sign that you are dating a unstable drama queen, then you deserve every annoying fight and issue that comes along your way and you have no one to blame but yourself. Don't make excuses for this person, make moves for the door.
I could keep going on with signs of when to leave, but I think these 11 cover the most important ones. These are only guidelines of when I think you should leave your relationship, and by no means are these laws. We are not all the same, nor are all of us in the same exact situations, but we must be wise and careful with our tolerance. We need to know the difference between forgiveness and weakness.
I hope this advice finds itself to be useful to you. I actually stumbled across an article like this years ago when I was too weak to walk away from an obviously toxic relationship I was in, and it helped me clear my mind and find the strength to leave. Maybe this will give you that same strength so you can do what's best for you.
Angelo Gage | Elite.
Angelo is the founder of www.psychronicity.com. For more information contact him directly at info@psychronicity.com
