How To Dirty Talk If You’re Shy And Would Rather Die Than Embarrass Yourself In Bed

I talk a lot. Ask anyone who knows me — Chatty Cathy times a million. It doesn't matter where I am, who I'm with, or even if it's appropriate. I. Have. Things. To. Say. There is one exception though: In the bedroom. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of saying something like, "Yo, like, that feels good. Proceed." Or, "Much less of that, good sir." But dirty talk? Nah man, that's just not me. So it's not like I was going to seek out "how to dirty talk if you're shy" lessons. And I feel very good about that choice, until inevitably, because the universe loves a good joke, I met that certain someone I liked sooooo much and wanted to please sooooo badly, and of course they made the dreaded request.

When asked for dirty talk, my instinct is to go into the mental fetal position. I am instantly transformed from brash, chatty sex writer to shy, blushing flower with a mind that's gone totally blank… I mean, if you don't count the blind panic currently laying waste to all cognitive thought, that is.

But that was the old me. The new me has a game plan and, take it from new me — someone who knows the struggle is real — this is how you do it, when you are... well, doing it.

1. Play Sexy Round Of “I, Spy”

Don't know how to get started on your new filthy mouthed adventure? Just start with what you see. Here's an example. I spy, with my little eye… a penis!

Now don't just shout, “A penis!” Surprisingly, it will not have the desired effect, unless of course it's to make that person think you're insane. Then, mission accomplished. No, you have to spice it up with some sexy verbs and adjectives. So, “A penis!” becomes “Oh my god, I want that big, beautiful penis.” Easy peasy.

2. Keep It PG-13

Listen, you don't have go to full XXX with your dirty talk if you're not comfortable. Keep it suggestive and flirty if that's what feels right for you. If going straight to the deep end is too much, a simple “I want you so bad” or “you feel so good” is a great way to ease yourself into the dirty talk pool.

3. It's All About The Delivery

More important than what you say is how you say it. Trust me, regardless of the actual words, if it's said with enthusiasm and conviction, your partner will pick up what you're putting down. If you don't feel comfortable shouting it out, whisper it quietly in their ear. The whole point of dirty talk is to tell your partner how into them you are and how much you enjoy your special sexy time together. So worry less about the actual content of what you're saying and more about what it communicates to them about how you're feeling.

4. Don't Be Afraid To Laugh

Why so serious? Are you afraid they'll laugh at you? Who cares! Laughing is great, and if you aren't giggling a bit in bed together, you're missing out. Laughter is an aphrodisiac, so rather than fear it, welcome it — if, at the very least, because it helps cut the tension and make the dirty talk less awkward.

5. When In Doubt, Do A Shot First

Honestly, this is probably where I should have begun. A little liquid courage goes a long way. You don't want to get blind drunk, and if that's what you need in order to do anything in the bedroom, hit the pause button immediately. It's one thing to step a little outside your comfort zone; it's something else entirely to do something sexually that you are opposed to or are uncomfortable with. If it's a case of nerves and you want to feel slightly less inhibited, fine. But never, EVER feel like you have to do something sexually that frightens you makes you feel bad.

There you go. That's how I (mostly) overcame my fear of dirty talk in the boudoir. Who knows, once you get over that first hump (pun intended), you may find you actually really enjoy it and you weren't so shy after all. Bon voyage!

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