5 Things To Remember When You're Freaking Out About Your SO's Sexual History

We all have a dating history. Some of us are monogamous and have been in a handful of relationships, while others may have had various partners for shorter lengths of time or a history of one-night stands.

None of this defines a person.

As someone who has a varied sexual history, I know firsthand how difficult it can be to divulge your past with a new partner. But the truth is, it's unfair to have someone's past impact their present.

Our 20s are a time where we evolve, experiment and grow. If I look back at 20-year-old Zoya, I see a terribly insecure girl trying to cope with all of her insecurities and fears about the future. That girl is not the 27-year-old version of myself.

At 20, I used sex as a coping mechanism. At 27, I cope by journaling and meditating.

In the end, whoever we choose to be in a relationship with will have to understand that we are not our past.

Talking about our sexual histories isn't something that typically comes up on a first date. But in an honest and open relationship, it's an inevitable topic of conversation.

Below are just a few things to keep in mind when you and your partner are about to divulge some choices you made that you have (hopefully) learned from.

1. Both of you are (hopefully) being open, honest and vulnerable.

Besides being up front about STDs and the last time they were tested, your partner's sexual history is completely their business. They don't have to tell you anything.

But when they do share, they are opening up to you and are at their most vulnerable. They're probably worried about what you may think of them. But remember, they are being honest and upfront.

Before you react in some type of way, be careful not to blame your partner for hurting you due to their past behavior. They were a different person then. People change, grow and evolve. It's important to remember this before jumping to conclusions regarding a partner's sexual past.

2. There is absolutely nothing you can do about the info you're learning.

The past is gone. It happened. And it's meant to stay there, in the past, to teach us lessons and allow us to grow. Without it, we wouldn't be the people we are in the present.

So, remember that your partner probably has evolved and learned some lessons from their storied sexual history. Those lessons have made them the person you see before you today.

3. It's a sign you and your SO are over casual hookups.

Many people who've had a promiscuous past developed it in college — and isn't that the time to be experimenting and trying to find our identities?

Just because someone has a varied sexual history doesn't necessarily mean that they're going to leave you for the pool boy. It may not mean that they have an insatiable sexual appetite either. Perhaps they just needed to experience things to see what they like and what they don't. And now, they know.

4. In this situation, jealousy can be your friend.

It's okay to be a little jealous of all the guys your girl has been with, and vice versa. Jealousy can be kinda hot. The feeling that someone wants you all to themselves? That's a huge turn-on.

Just be honest if you're feeling jealous, and tell your partner how you feel. Don't whine or apologize. If you get the urge to go all Dexter on everyone they've ever had sex with? Own that feeling. Just don't actually do it.

5. Use this as motivation to be the best they've ever had.

The best sex is not the kinkiest or craziest, and it's not with the bodybuilder or model.

Good sex happens when two people are so into each other that it moves beyond the physical. It's being into one another's mind, body and soul, and having a shared bond and mutual affection for one another that transcends the physical.

If you have that chemistry, then sex is destined to be amazing. You'll be extremely surprised how little you'll be thinking about your partner's past when you're both having the best sex of your lives.

By working on not bringing the past into the present, we allow ourselves to cultivate healthy relationships with our partners. So go ahead, get honest with your partner, and release judgment.

Be honest with your feelings, share openly, and remember that, by being so vulnerable, you're creating a stronger bond.