Single Bells: How To 'Sleigh' As A Single Girl Over The Holidays
Oh, to be young, single and GORGEOUS AF over the holidays!
I never understand why anyone would want to be cuffed to another human being during the holiday season. I mean, WHY? Because it's "cold" outside, and you need a bae to put their strong arms around your fragile little bones, girl?
Give me a FUCKING BREAK, babe. You're a strong nasty woman. You can keep yourself warm. You don't need another person, you hear?
Oh, and if you're really tiny, and the weather is too intense (it's been pretty brutal on the Eastern seaboard), just do what I did. Get yourself a pastel-pink, faux-fur scarf.
Also, how much more fun is it to drink, party and get down with your bad self when you're a single entity?
You don't have to worry about your partner getting too loaded at the party and having to hold back their hair as they vomit and humiliate you.
You don't have to worry about your partner wanting to go home early because they're lame and boring.
You don't have to deal with their mother, who probably hates you because you're a low-class slooze who wears crop tops in the winter. (So you can also wear crop tops with zero mom judgment.)
You can indulge in the all the drinks, eat all the carbs and buy yourself all the fabulous gifts your bleeding heart could ever desire.
You can have sex with whomever you want. You can be a giant holiday slut, which is a totally fabulous lifestyle.
However, I do get it. Some of you might not be used to being single over the holidays, and you might associate the holidays with love.
I can imagine that's painful (I'm working on my empathy with a shrink, can you tell?), and I feel for you. However, I'm always single over the holidays. In fact, last year, I got dumped over the holidays! It hurt... for a moment.
But then, I remembered this is what I do best!
This is my time to shine like the sparkliest drag queen dress in the gay bar. And I'm going to teach you how to "SLEIGH" this December.
This is exactly what you need to do to live your best single life:
1. Buy a unicorn onesie, get wasted by yourself at home and recklessly text all of your exes cryptic text messages, like "OMG that one time in BED." And don't follow up at all when they text you "WHAT???" Or, simply text them "I'm outside." It's really fun to gauge their reactions.
2. Masturbate in your roommate's bed, while watching porn, when they're at their boyfriend or girlfriend's apartment.
3. Have a one-night stand with your high school nemesis and have really great hate sex.
4. Pour out your family's eggnog (because eggnog is disgusting) at Christmas dinner, and fill it with straight-up vodka and blame your 17-year-old cousin.
Have a one-night stand with your high school nemesis and have really great hate sex.
5. Lie under the Christmas tree because you're a fucking GIFT, baby, and you know it.
6. Keep some mistletoe in your quilted Chanel bag, take it out and put it over your own head every time you see someone hot.
7. Buy yourself a massive designer handbag — a really obnoxious, over-the-top one — like the extra-large, Valentino rock-stud bag. Get it in a tacky color, like HOT PINK.
8. Order Seamless (shameless) every single night, but get really gross (but amazing) things, like Papa John's garlic knots and a huge platter of sweet and sour chicken. (It comes with a free egg roll if you order six servings, so DO IT, sugar.)
Keep some mistletoe in your quilted Chanel bag, take it out and put it over your own head.
9. Get a luxurious, silky bathrobe and wear to holiday parties. And when people ask if you're wearing a bathrobe to a party, scoff at them and say, "It's not a bathrobe, it's a DVF wrap dress, you fucking idiot!" Really, kittens, what's the difference between a wrap dress and a robe?
10. Buy yourself a really flashy diamond wedding ring (a fake one, obviously), and wear it to holiday parties, but still outrageously flirt with everyone.
11. Get really long, chic, stripper hair extensions. (You don't have to worry about anyone pulling them out during sex when you're single!)
12. Wear the sluttiest outfits possible. Wear a bra to the bar, and when people do double takes, scream, "HAVE YOU NOT SEEN A CROP TOP BEFORE, JESUS CHRIST!" Then, storm out angry at their ignorance.
13. If you're straight, tell your family you're not bringing your boyfriend home for the holidays because you're a lesbian. After riling everyone up for a few days, tell them, "Just kidding!"
14. If you're gay, tell your family you've decided to CHOOSE to become straight, and you're having an affair with Mike Pence's son. (Does Mike Pence have a son? I don't know.)
15. Have an affair with Mike Pence's son (if he has a son).
16. Drink all the champagne, eat all the carbs, smoke all the cigarettes, get high as a kite, slut it up, sleep naked, get a tattoo, buy a bunch of fancy gym classes — like Barry's Boot Camp, Pure Barre and SoulCycle — and blow them all off, waste all of your money, host fabulous parties and sleep in your own damn bed. Happy holidays, babe!
