Guys, Sex Toys Will Never Replace You, But You Should Still Use Them

I've had some really exciting jobs in my 26 years (I even sold curtains for six months), but I'd have to say my most exciting job was working as a sales representative at a sex toy shop.

It would be an understatement to say I learned a lot from my time there. I've learned what can and can't go in your butt, how to tie up a corset, which lubes are the best for different sexual activities and just about every fetish and kink in the book.

Despite all these lessons, the most important thing I learned is how frightened many straight men are by sex toys.

It's not a fear of trying something new and it is certainly not a fear of experiencing pleasure... these men are terrified of being replaced. By a piece of plastic, silicone or glass.

So, allow this article to serve as something you can casually leave for your partner to read (don't worry, you can thank me later) or as a reminder that purple plastic penises will never replace real, flesh colored, human ones!

But purple penises have their benefits and I firmly believe they should be incorporated into your sex life.

Sex toys are a supplement, NOT a replacement.

It's true! A large majority of women need clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm.

So unless you have octopus hands (apologies in advance to all my readers with octopus hands), it's going to be very difficult to provide constant stimulation to the clitoris while switching positions, engaging in penetration, kissing, fondling and feeding each other cheese (oh... like I'm the only one that's into that).

Some women like anal stimulation, some women like their nipples to be teased and other women enjoy double penetration! See, even octopus hands over there is getting tired.

A sex toy can be used for clitoral, vaginal, anal or breast stimulation while you use your two hands for other things! Like knitting!

Real sex is nothing like porn.

And if you think so, then go pull some WWE moves in an actual wrestling ring. Mainstream porn is entertaining and fun to watch and it can even be educational, but it is absolutely NOT what you should be reenacting in bed!

OK, well, some parts, like the thing with the pizza box and the extra large sausage pizza... that's cool. But, the truth of the matter is, you need to warm your partner up. Foreplay is extremely important.

Spending extra time kissing and touching is going to make sex so much more enjoyable for her -- and isn't that what you want? If not, get out. Go sit in the corner with all the other fuckboys.

Sex toys are your friends during foreplay! They're like Chad from fifth grade who always let you cheat off him. You wouldn't have made it to sixth grade without Chad and you might not make it into her pants without a sex toy.

Sex toys are kind of like roses.

They show you care about her and are willing to take her pleasure seriously.

Incorporating a sex toy also shows your partner you are exciting, down for new things and committed to making your sex life a priority! (I feel the need to remind you that sex toys are not replacements for roses so, uh, I wouldn't send a bouquet of sex toys for her graduation or birthday or first day at a new job.)

They're awesome for when you're feeling lazy AF. Like when you drank too much beer, ate far too many wings and then watched your beloved NFL team get absolutely destroyed by those worthless [insert hated team's name here] but she's still horny.

You can put in 10 percent of the effort and let the sex toy do the rest! Um, did you know there are sex toys that will give her the feeling of receiving oral?!

Ultimately, nothing feels better than you (except her Ryan Gosling body pillow). Sex toys can't talk dirty! They can't buy her Chipotle. They can't tell her she's beautiful. They can't make her laugh! And they're also not a real penis! You win, men, you win!

Although, I do see a future in which sex toys actually bring women Chipotle so... enjoy this while it lasts.