Experts Explain How Often You Should Actually Be Texting Your Partner

Do you text your partner every day? Is that too much? Dr. Gary Brown, a prominent couples' therapist in Los Angeles, previously told Elite Daily that there’s no rule stating how often you should communicate in a relationship. “Every couple is unique, and so there really is no hard-and-fast rule about how often you should talk with your partner throughout the day,” he said.

As long as you’re on the same page with your partner, you don’t need to be fretting about “should I text my boyfriend every day?” or “should I text my girlfriend every day?” Every couple is different, and surprise, surprise: Their texting habits will differ, too.

However, Susan Winter, a New York City-based relationship expert, previously told Elite Daily that couples should keep up a baseline of communication by touching base daily or at least every other day. “Without ongoing contact, your relationship will wither,” she noted.

As far as daily communication, what matters most is your mindset. Dorell says it’s good to text regularly with your partner — in moderation. “It can be really healthy for the relationship to actually text sparingly throughout the day and then anticipate seeing your SO later to share things and connect face-to-face,” she tells Elite Daily. The time to become concerned, she says, is when a lack of frequent texts negatively impacts your emotional well-being. “When you can't function day to day if you don't constantly text or receive texts, or need those texts for reassurance or self-esteem, that is unhealthy,” says Dorell.

Gordon says another sign that the need to text is something to be concerned about is when it causes relationship stress. “[It’s] a red flag if you are anxious all the time when you're not hearing from your partner and constantly needing that continuous texting,” she tells Elite Daily. “This type of neediness is a red flag that your partner is your whole world. It's not healthy if your world revolves around them.”

There are several reasons you may want to talk to your partner all day — and not all are unhealthy. Dorell says it could simply be a sign that affirmation is your love language. “If your love language is words of affirmation, then you may see it as a sign that you are cared for and loved more than average if your partner texts you sweet things regularly,” she says.

If your partner understands this and is happy with the frequency of texts, then great! However, if they aren’t able to keep up with your preferred pace, and you find yourself getting anxious or upset, then Gordon warns that you’ve crossed the line into unhealthy territory. "This could mean that you lack the ability to find that sense of happiness and validation within yourself,” says Gordon. “Self-validation is extremely important, as it's very unhealthy to rely on external validation from your partner. Let attention from others enhance your mood, but don't let it control your mood.”

She also cautions that a need for constant communication may be a sign of something else lacking in the relationship. “This could be a sign of distrust in the relationship,” she warns. “If you're insecure, and you need constant texts to trust your partner, that could be a sign you should be working on yourself right now, instead of being in a relationship."

If you feel like you are texting too often and would like to slow down, both experts agree that you need to focus your energy on yourself and find ways to fill that need for validation and affirmation from within. “Instead of leaning on your partner to validate you ... do the things that brought you and bring you joy even when you are alone,” Dorell advises.

"Work on self-love, self-confidence, and self-validation,” adds Gordon. “Discover your gift, discover hobbies that you love, and focus on your passions. Start a passion project that you truly enjoy devoting your time to, and suddenly, you simply won't be looking at your phone or waiting on text replies as much,” she says.

Last but not least — and this may sound counterintuitive — you should talk to your partner about what you are feeling. “Have a conversation with your partner about how it makes you feel. Let them be a part of this shift to more healthy texting,” says Dorell. After all, there is a reason you call them your partner, right? You can and should be able to lean on them when you need a little support while making a positive change.