22 Tweets About Everyone Getting Married That’ll Make You Laugh At How Alone You Are
Growing up is a total buzzkill.
One minute, it's like, "Oh my God, I'm 21 years old! Where my raspberry vodka at?!" and the next minute, it's like, "Hi! Welcome to the real world. Here are tax returns, a slower metabolism and the incessant reminder you're growing closer to death, so get a partner now or die alone."
Uncool, Universe.
Look, we're all just doing our best. We can't help it that, as millennials, we've have been called lazy, self-absorbed, easily distracted, entitled and detached from everyone else, doomed to be forever alone.
Fortunately for us, we have smart phones with which we can share our misery across the planet and connect with one another on meaningful levels.
And by meaningful levels, I mean the shared wonder at how people our age can possibly be getting married and having babies when we're still filing through dick picks and lying to our parents about totally having a boyfriend who isn't fake or anything.
Here are 22 hilarious tweets that summarize all our emotions about everyone settling down.
Most of us are still children ourselves.
These folks make some pretty strong points as to why we aren't responsible enough for families of our own yet:
Half of us still can't even feed ourselves, much less another person and a child.
Because, like, food is hard, and honestly, I don't have TIME to navigate meals for two — or dear God, THREE — people right now.
But we CAN order Dominos, naturally.
Plus, one Dominos pizza is basically a perfect feast to eat by yourself... while you're alone... because you're not married or having kids.
Some of us have our eye on a different kind of relationship that only booze can provide.
I'M NOT ALONE. I HAVE BOOZE. PLUS, BEING AN ADULT MEANS ADULT BEVERAGES, MMK?! WHERE'S MY PURSE? KAREN, GET MY PURSE.
Others feel like they are most compatible with their cats anyway.
Because from what Instagram tells me, having a cat is the best thing in the whole world — much better than marriage or babies.
Plus, you're never alone if you have a dog.
From personal experience, I can tell you that having a dog is ACTUALLY the best thing in the whole world, and we are very happy together, thank you very much.
Why would I need a human partner when I have a fuzzy little one that never tells me I'm wrong and thinks the sun shines out of my butt?
What can we say? We aren't forever alone, we just aren't in a rush to jump into anything too serious!
Like anyone would ever choose to take on more responsibilities, stress, financial burdens and health issues just for a RELATIONSHIP...
I think I can speak on behalf of all us when I say...
...this girl can speak on behalf of all of us. If we're gonna die alone, we're gonna be HAPPY ABOUT IT.
If you need me, I'll be sitting on bed alone, shoving dry cheerios in my face, scrolling through twitter, nodding enthusiastically, hoping someone comes to my funeral when I die and hoping I don't die today.
Oh God... I'm so lonely...
