If You Catch Your Partner In A Lie, Try This Instead Of Freaking Out

First thing's first: When your partner lies to you, it’s time to call them out on it. The key to doing this correctly, NYC relationship expert and love coach Susan Winter tells Elite Daily, is to do so calmly. It can be really hard not to lash out in the moment, but try to resist the urge. “If you catch your partner lying, calmly call them out. Take a beat. Don’t speak. This puts the ball back in their court and forces them to answer,” says Winter. “Let them speak without your reactivity [and] refrain from commentary until they’re fully expressed themselves.”

If your boyfriend or girlfriend lies to your face, it can be helpful to address that in real time, so you’re not bubbling up with resentment or anger days later. But if you are concerned that you won’t be able to confront them calmly in the moment, then relationship and etiquette expert April Masini suggests taking a step back. “Sometimes you’re so hurt and flustered, that you’re not focused and composed and you can’t bring it up in the moment,” she previously told Elite Daily. “Don’t worry. Later is often better because it gives you time to compose your feelings and what you want to say."

The antidote to anger is empathy, so if you want to avoid escalating the argument, Laurel House, celebrity dating and relationship coach and host of the Man Whisperer podcast, suggests that rather than leaning into your (justifiable) anger, you try and understand the reason why your SO lied.

“People often lie for a reason: insecurity, fear, shame, or because historically this was their way to survive and manage other past relationships — which obviously doesn’t work with you,” she says. While that doesn’t justify the lie or mean you don’t have every right to be upset, trying to understand their perspective can help calm your own emotions and allow you to decide how best to proceed.

Just because you are coming from a place of empathy and calmness does not mean that you have to put up with the behavior. You don’t. This is why House says the next step is to set clear boundaries around honesty. “Once [they come] clean, explain how important a foundation of honesty is for you,” she says. “And if you do choose to continue in the relationship, you have now established that lying is not part of your relationship, no matter how insecure, ashamed, or awkward [they] feel.”

By coming forward with your expectations, you can be clear with your partner that you would always rather them be honest than lie in an attempt to protect your feelings or their own dignity.

In addition to setting boundaries, it’s important to make sure to create conditions where your partner is able to keep their promises by creating a safe space for them to be honest. “Establish the premise that it’s OK to tell the truth,” Winter says. “This should be a foundational part of your relationship. If you begin with the understanding that the truth is more welcome than a lie, you’ll create an environment of trust.”

And of course, this should be backed up by your actions. “No beating your partner up verbally. No histrionics. No reactivity,” Winter adds. “You’ve asked them to trust that you wouldn’t punish them for sharing the truth, so prove you mean your word.”

When wondering what to do when someone lies to you in a relationship, it’s easy to turn to pointing fingers. But placing blame won’t create a safe space for communication, an environment both of you are responsible for curating. “Remember, it takes two to form a relationship dynamic,” Masini says. She suggests explaining how their actions hurt you, rather than “having one person be wrong and one be right.”

It’s important to remember that all lies are not created equal. While the experts’ advice is great for a single instance of dishonesty, chronic lying or large intentional deceptions are a different story. “Chronic liars are unfit partners,” Winter warns. “The root cause of their need to lie is too deep for your love to fix. This requires professional help.”

The same goes for partners who break the agreements caused by previous lies. “For example,” says Winter, “They told you their flirtation was over, that they’d ended the affair, were clean and sober, didn’t gamble the rent, etc. This is also a deal-breaker.” That’s because, she explains, “you and your partner agreed upon a correction. Now, they’ve broken that agreement and your trust.”