This Sex Party Featured In Gwyneth's Goop Newsletter Will Blow Your Mind

OK, I have a confession to make, because it's the end of the work day and I don't care to be cool, coy, smart or interesting anymore: I'm basic and I love Gwyneth Paltrow.

I have her cookbooks, I feverishly read Goop (occasionally) and I just think she's a classy blonde from bougie roots. And I want to be a classy blonde from bougie roots. I want a house in the Hamptons and I want Tracey Anderson to be my personal trainer and I want to have children so pretty I can confidently name them after fruits and not be afraid of them getting bullied because nobody bullies a pretty person, right?

I'm a smart girl, so I know if I want to be like Gwyneth I have to do whatever the hell she says. I don't even eat gluten anymore.

But apparently, Ms. Paltrow is not quite as prim as we think she is. She's actually pretty badass for a gluten-free, fitness-fanatic native to the Upper East Side of Manhattan (OMG, I'm from the Upper East Side; we're practically TWINS).

Anyway, it turns out good girl Gwynnie goes to to sex parties in Los Angeles. They're hosted by Snctm, and they're really expensive. And I have really good news for us East Coast sexually charged (rich) creatures: This L.A. sex party is coming to New York.

The first party will happen during fashion week, and the next one will be at some big, fab mansion in the Hamptons. I'm totally going to the one in the Hamptons, regardless of my financial status. The Hamptons are my spot, sex parties are my jam and I don't take no for answer.

You have to be a member of Snctm to attend the party, which can cost as much as $50,000. Men have to wear chic tuxes and girls have to wear glam gowns, and they have very kinky, very 90s bondage promo videos like this.

Don't tempt me with a 90s style bondage promo video, please. Also I love anything that's super expensive, especially when it involves women in gowns. Don't tempt me with a woman in a gown -- not today, I'm weak. Agh, just look at this still:

The party is also super exclusive. In an interview with Goop as reported on Daily Mail, the founder Damon Lawner said,

The application asks questions ranging from name and occupation, to what your fantasy come-to-life looks like. It also requires you upload pictures. I look at aesthetics of course, and the answers to our questions are important determining factors. If I believe the applicant would be a good fit for our society, and enhance the experience of our current members, I approve the application and it moves forward to the next phase.

So basically, you can't just be some ugly prick with a fat wallet and get in just because you have the money. You have to be hot and have creative sexual fantasies and be rich. Where do I sign up!?

Seriously, babes, this has my name written all over it. I wonder if I can get a lesbian discount. I mean, they need some gay energy in there, don't you think? WHERE IS MY SPECIAL GAY TREATMENT?

Next time you see me, I'll be wearing leather cat ears and a floor length gown sipping champagne at an erotic party in the Hamptons, darling.

Citations: Gwyneth Paltrow-approved sex club making its way from Los Angeles to New York and the Hamptons with kickoff party during Fashion Week (Daily Mail)