I Watched Jennifer's Body For The First Time & I’m Still Processing

Like most 24-year-old teenage girls, I am a gal with many flaws. But my most glaring deficiency is the fact that I am incredibly uncultured when it comes to movies. In an effort to grow, I’ve been on a journey to educate myself, specifically on what I have learned to be a crucial genre: movies that possess supernatural and sexual undertones. I’ve hit Twilight, Practical Magic, Cruel Intentions, and now, it’s time for the mother load: the 2009 cult classic Jennifer’s Body.

I went into this viewing with basically zero knowledge about the film, so, I was in for many surprises. Despite not knowing the lore, I’m chronically online enough to know just how relevant this film continues to be — and TikTok loves to serve me sexy fan edits with quotes that are just as iconic today. (I’ll never get over, “You’re killing people!” “No… I’m killing boys!”)

If it’s been a minute since you’ve seen this movie, let me catch you up: Jennifer (Megan Fox) and Needy (Amanda Seyfried) are high school besties, despite the fact that Jennifer is the it girl and Needy is a nerdy bookworm — which is hilarious because they are trying to paint Amanda Seyfriend as unhot, an impossible task. In a chaotic turn of events, Jennifer is kidnapped by Nikolai’s (Brody) indie band who want to sacrifice a virgin to Satan. Unfortunately for them, Jennifer is a slutty queen who isn’t even a “backdoor virgin,” so the sacrifice is a fail, causing half-dead Jennifer to be possessed by a demon, naturally.

What follows is pure pandemonium. To stay alive, demonic Jennifer needs to kill and devour boys, which leads to unexplained murders that terrify the town. Needy pieces together what’s going on, attempts to stop Jennifer, ends up hooking up with her, and eventually murders her. I know, it’s a lot. I still don’t know how to feel. But let’s attempt to process this together.

1. I am obsessed with the slang in this movie.

I need to start talking like Jennifer ASAP. Salty now means beautiful, morsels now means boys, and we’re officially bringing back “Jell-O” as the new word for jealous. I’m still thinking about when Needy told her boyfriend, “Salty means beautiful,” and he replied, “Then you’re soy sauce, babe.” Never settle, ladies.

2. ADAM BRODY? IN EYELINER?!

First of all, I had no clue this man was a part of this film, so to see him pop up on my screen dressed as an emo indie boy was a treat. Second of all, we must align on the fact that this man is the most versatile actor on the planet. Who knew he was capable of portraying such a slimy, gross man? I surely didn’t, but I’m a believer now.

3. I haven’t stopped laughing about Jennifer’s description of the movie Aquamarine.

After Jennifer selects her next victim, a goth boy named Colin, she slyly invites him over for a movie: “I just got Aquamarine on DVD. It's about a girl who's, like, half sushi. She must've had sex with a blowhole or something.” Megan Fox deserves an award for delivering that line with a straight face.

4. This is extremely gross.

This is a general comment that refers to pretty much the entirety of the film. I was unaware that I would be watching a horror movie, which is very much on me (as I said, I’m uncultured). So it’s safe to say I wasn’t thrilled by the gruesome murder scenes, blood-filled mouths, and cement-looking vomit that Jennifer threw up. I would never yuck other people’s yum but… ew!

5. The mid-orgasm murder scene went hard.

While the more grim scenes were harder for me to stomach, it definitely helped when it was paired with a big ol’ climax. Needy losing her virginity while simultaneously connecting to Jennifer as she is committing cannibalism on a boy from school? It’s hard not to see that as a cinematic masterpiece.

6. Needy needs to be communicating better with people (i.e., the police).

The movie was basically 102 minutes of me screaming at my TV, begging Needy to get her act together. Girl, why in the world are you not contacting the cops after your best friend showed up to your house covered in blood? Why are you choosing to fight this battle alone when you are clearly underprepared? At least Jennifer was possessed by a demon, which explains why she’s gone off the rails. What’s your excuse, Needy?

7. The lesbian undertones saved this movie for me.

The sexual tension between Jennifer and Needy had me in a chokehold, and I think they had one of the hottest makeout scenes I’ve ever witnessed. The fact that Amanda Seyfried said the smooching was hot back in a 2009 interview only reinforces my belief that those two should have been endgame. I desperately need a sequel where Jennifer comes back to life, comes out, and the two besties finally get together… and bang on screen.

8. I can’t deny it anymore: “Through the Trees” lowkey slaps as a song.

When Jennifer and Needy first see Nikolai’s indie band (hilariously named “Low Shoulder”) perform, their song “Through the Trees” is debuted. Later, after the town struggles post-fire and chaotic male murders, Low Shoulder “generously” offers 3% of proceeds from “Through the Trees” to support the town — despite the fact that the situation is literally all their fault. Ignoring all of this, I can’t help but declare the track a jam. Brody’s character may have claimed that Satan is the only hope for indie bands, but with a bop like that, who needs virgin sacrifice?

9. We as a society cannot sleep on Megan Fox as a top-tier actor.

I’m fully aware that this is not a hot take, but can we take a moment for how talented and multifaceted she is in this film? She somehow portrays a sort of likeable, redeemable demon, and only she could execute such a task. Heck, you even sort of root for Jennifer’s murdering spree because she’s just so hot and ruthless and bisexual. After she threatens to eat Needy’s soul, her friend asks, “I thought you only murder boys?” To which Jennifer replies, “I go both ways.” Give this girl her Oscar.

10. Asking “You got a tampon?” after getting speared in the chest is wild.

After Needy’s boyfriend Chip stabs Jennifer with what appears to be some sort of pool-related weapon (I believe they call it a “pool skimmer”), she is left with an enormous, bloody hole in her stomach. Naturally, she turns to her bestie Needy and asks, “You got a tampon?” How big do you think tampons are, my demon queen? You would need a Super XXXXL to even begin cleaning up that mess.

As I wrapped up this critical film research, I believe my review can be delivered in one sentence: I hate horror movies, and I love Megan Fox. She may not be a demon in real life, but that girl has a supernatural X factor. I mean, you’ve got to respect a slut with a side hustle.