I’ll Never Be The Same After Watching Twilight For The First Time

I have no excuse for being criminally late to the Twilight game. I’m a Hunger Games stan through and through, a Divergent girlie in my DNA. But there was something about Twilight that never quite called to me. Maybe it was because I was slightly too young to read the books when they came out (I was born in the year 2000), so as I got older, I never felt the need to see the movies. Or maybe it was because I waited too long, so it almost felt weird to watch it — like when there’s a food you claim you don’t like but really you’re too embarrassed to say you never tried it.

When my roommate discovered that I had never seen the series, she immediately insisted that we change that. So, we set out to watch the five (5!) movies over a few weeks, with our first showing taking place on, of course, Halloween. We got progressively more invested as we finished each one, and by the very end, I was a fully converted Twilight groupie with a whole lot of opinions about the series.

In no particular order, here are the most pressing thoughts and questions I had while experiencing this masterpiece for the first time.

1. Why do more people not have a crush on Charlie Swan (Bella’s dad)?

Edward this, Jacob that. What about Charlie? The hottie with a dad body played by Billy Burke who is so sweet to Bella and the only available man who isn’t also a strange mythical creature? Obviously, Charlie isn’t eligible for Bella, but I’m talking strictly about me. I want Charlie! I never stopped thinking about the beautiful advice he gave to Bella in the second movie: “You have to learn to love what’s good for you.” She might not have heard him, but I definitely did.

2. There is no world in which I could love someone enough to want to be a vampire.

My boyfriend joined my roomie and me for a few of the movie viewings, and I told him straight to his face, “I love you, but I would literally never become a vampire for you.” Of course, I would be sad if we broke up (or if one of us was immortal and the other wasn’t), but being a vampire sounds horrible. No food? Craving human blood? Saying goodbye to all of your family? I’d much rather be happily single.

3. Bella is actually the worst.

Is it unanimously decided that Bella is extremely annoying? Why does she want to be a vampire so badly? She and Edward have spoken a maximum of 11 words to each other (eight of the most ridiculous being “This is the skin of a killer, Bella”), and she has already decided that she is willing to become an immortal being for him. She has also decided that she is fine putting herself and others in danger constantly just because she’s horny for Edward. It’s lust, not love, baby.

4. Is it not weird that Edward is like 100 years older than Bella?

I understand that in Vampire World, you stop “maturing” after you become a vampire, so technically Edward is still the same age as Bella. But he has lived hundreds of years, and in my book, that makes him hundreds of years old. So, is it not weird that he’s obsessed with a teenager? I know Carrie and Mr. Big made the age-gap relationship seem cool, but Edward is old enough to be Bella’s great-great-great-great grandfather — that’s strange, right?

5. How did I go my whole life without finding out that Jacob was a werewolf?

My roommate could barely hold it together when I told her at the beginning of the second movie, “OK, wait, don’t spoil it for me but I’m having this weird feeling that Jacob is a werewolf.” Cut to 30 minutes later when I started laughing hysterically about that ridiculous idea and how there was no way it was true. (I may have been legally under the influence of a special gummy treat.) Once we saw werewolves being introduced into the plot, I quickly realized that my subconscious knew more than I did.

6. Why do the Cullens need cars?

All the vampires can run so fast that they are practically teleporting. Why are they driving to school or the grocery store? This mystery consumed me throughout all five movies.

7. The only time Bella is relatable is in Movie 4 when she is super thirsty for sex.

We have to talk about Breaking Dawn — Part 1, when Bella is so horny that she is ready to risk it all — aka the only time when I found her to be remotely reasonable. Edward is concerned that he will be a danger to her if they take it too far, and our thirsty queen says she wants to get railed anyway. Icon behavior!

8. Does Bella actually want to be in a throuple with Edward and Jacob?

Am I missing something here? She doesn’t deny loving both Edward and Jacob, and seems to be totally fine with them both constantly risking their lives to protect her. I audibly gagged when, in the final movie, she said that if her baby was a boy, she wanted to name him E.J., for Edward and Jacob. Ew, ew, ew! There’s nothing wrong with a little throuple action if everyone is on the same page, but it’s giving The Bachelorette and she refuses to pick a winner.

9. No offense to the baby, but Renesmee is a ridiculous name.

Renee is lovely. Esme is cute. But combined? Why did Bella feel the need to do that? I can’t explain why, but that feels like such an OG millennial move.

10. Jacob imprinting on Renesmee was the craziest two minutes of cinema I have ever consumed.

The whirlwind of emotions this scene brought me. At first, I thought that Jacob had imprinted on Bella (because, again, I was enjoying a gummy and was a tad bit confused). I felt emotional. I felt like crying. He and Bella were meant to be together, after all this time. Then I was informed that, no, he imprinted on the newborn child, and I was speechless. To quote Tituss Burgess, “It didn’t feel right when I saw it, and it don’t feel right now.”

I caught my reaction to this news on camera, because I was sending my boyfriend a video to share the news of Jacob imprinting on Bella — until my roommate told me the real story.

All in all, I am officially a Twilight fan through and through. If you haven’t watched the series yet, I strongly encourage you to do so. But in the wise words of Edward Cullen, “You better hold on tight, Spider Monkey.” You’re in for a wild ride.