Starbucks' Newest Drinks Are So Fancy You'll Want To Dress Up Before You Sip

Starbucks, the one constant in these tumultuous times, has three new flavors that people who are not me will probably be excited about.

I don't mean to yuck anyone's yum (which I've just realized is kind of a disgusting expression), but I would never buy anything other than hot or cold coffee anywhere.

But I hear people like these sort of things Starbucks sells, so here I am, delivering to you, fancy coffee drinker, the information you yearn for.

There are three new flavors, which some project manager at Starbucks dubbed the "Tuxedo Collection" for no reason at all, and everyone in some serious meeting nodded vigorously in agreement with.

The drinks are brown and white, and Starbucks seems to think brown is close to black, and black and white is the color of a tuxedo.  That's the thought process involved in naming them after tuxedos, but really, I think they just thought it sounded "cool."

Now when I'm at a restaurant, I won't ask for salt and pepper -- I'm gonna just ask for "The Tuxedo Seasoning."

Waiters love that sort of thing. One time, a waiter told me I was "the absolute worst," which I think he meant in a good way -- like when you call something a negative word like "ill" or "sick" to mean "cool" and "great." Like that. He meant it like that.

The drinks are only available until the new year, so I guess tuxedo is also a wink to the fact that people dress fancy on New Year's Eve? I don't know.

The Tuxedo Collection consists of the following:

The Tuxedo Mocha, Tuxedo Mocha Frappuccino and Tuxedo Hot Chocolate. All of them are chocolate and coffee based.

The Tuxedo Mocha, hot or iced, is comprised of chocolate and milk. It has espresso poured over it, with mocha drizzle and whipped cream.

The Tuxedo Mocha Frappuccino is basically the same, but with blended ice.

And the Tuxedo Hot Chocolate is basically the same as the Mocha, but without the espresso.

Perhaps these three flavored coffee drinks will make this year something other than a brutal hellscape where only despair and cruelty reign!

Citations: Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan