What I Assume My Life Would Be Like In LA Based On My First Visit There
I don't want to say I'm an expert on Los Angeles or anything, but I did visit it recently for five days so, yeah… pretty close.
I rented a car and did the whole thing.
Based on all the information I gathered on my first trip to California, this is what I think my life would be like if I lived in LA and what I actually did while I was there.
1. I'd start jogging.
Every place you look has a view of something goddamn spectacular, like palm trees or the beach or mountains or a park or a juice bar with cool people sitting outside of it. It makes every route you choose THE PERFECT jogging route.
I wouldn't say I'd become a runner because let's try to maintain realistic expectations, but I'd for sure trot around the block wearing cool sunglasses and a fitness watch.
What Actually Happened: I did one scenic hike, got stung by a bee and peed on a pricker bush.
2. I'd become a plant person.
I've never really liked plants. I don't trust something that can grow and drink water but doesn't have a brain.
However, something about sunny California makes me think there might be days when I may want to stand outside with a hose watering something, and I can only assume that something would be plants.
Also, real estate options seemingly have much more square footage than NYC, allowing room for things like a balcony or a little yard, which are perfect for growing greenery.
What Actually Happened: Weirdly loitering outside of an official weed dispensary is like, kind of the same thing as caring about plants, right?
3. I'd become really, really, really photogenic.
It's hard to look bad in a selfie that includes billowing breezes, suntans and a potential celebrity in the background.
I can only assume moving to LA basically makes you look like a famous person and that botox is sold on the street by tweens like lemonade stands.
What Actually Happened: Here is a very chill picture I took with an actual celebrity (James from "Vanderpump Rules." I KNOW, RIGHT?)
4. I feel like I'd be better at recycling.
This is based purely on a hunch and the fact that everyone there seems to be like, super-super-super-healthy-hipster-cool-kale-people, and we all know those kind of people recycle.
What Actually Happened: I bought at least two different $10 green juices, which somehow feels like the same thing as recycling to me.
5. I'd wear high heels WAY more often because I'd be able to throw them into my car in the morning and then change into them at night.
This is my number one gripe with NYC after having visited LA. In NYC, when you leave in the morning you have to carry your whole day on your back and walk a number of miles with it.
In LA, you can throw whatever the hell you want in your glove compartment or trunk and take it out if necessary or keep it there forever. Either way, it's literally no skin off your back.
What Actually Happened: This one I pulled off IRL. MAD HIGH HEELS, YO!
6. I'd have a car.
DUH.
What Actually Happened: I rented a white Toyota and drove around Rodeo Drive like it was a Mercedes Benz.
7. I'd start drinking Rosé.
Just assuming this is an initiation thing.
What Actually Happened: TequilaTequilaTequilaTequilaTeguilaGinTequila.
8. OMG I'D OWN A DOG.
Please refer to entry number two for further explanation.
More space + access to outdoors = more living creatures and things I could take care of and feed water to and take with me when I go JOGGING. Ugh, it's fate.
What Actually Happened: Nothing concerning any animals of any kind. Bummer.
9. I'd probably get my own reality show or TV pilot.
Again, assuming these are handed out when you land at the airport, right?
What Actually Happened: I took this photo on the set of "Friends" at Warner Bros Studios, thankyouverymuch!
10. OK. Fine. I'd miss NYC.
No way around it, Los Angeles is down right beautiful. It's full of beautiful weather, architecture, landscaping and people. You sort of have the sensation you're a “somebody” when you get there. But – it's just not NYC.
And guess what we have that LA doesn't?
That's right.
Beyoncé.
