The holiday season has arrived! And with it comes Christmas trees, a national debate over the designs on coffee cups and Mark from IT headbutting Other Mark from IT.
Holiday office parties have a particular brand of chaos attached to them. I've seen middle-aged women breakdance. I've seen executives vomit on interns. I've seen a sobbing woman, sitting on top of a refrigerator, wearing a man's boxer briefs on her head, divorcing her husband via Venmo comment.
The day after a holiday party is like the day after a bloody battle; the fog of war has lifted, and emails must be sent.
Here are four example of emails you will send or receive from the day after the holiday party.
This is just a small selection. There are many more.
1. Honest Hangover Email
From: toohungovertolie@yourjob.com
To: boss@yourjob.com
I'm staying home. I threw up in the shower.
From: boss@yourjob.com
To: toohungovertolie@yourjob.com
Me too.
2. Dishonest Hangover Email
From: you@yourjob.com
To: boss@yourjob.com
Hey, I won't be able to come in today. I think I've come down with a bad case of food poisoning. I ate some weird sushi last night.
From: boss@yourjob.com
To: you@yourjob.com
Was this before or after I saw you take six shots of gin and challenge Intern Steve to a "regulation-rules" Taekwondo match on the dance floor?
From: you@yourjob.com
To: boss@yourjob.com
...They called him "좋은 이빨을 가진 큰 남자" in Korea. It means "The Tornado."
From: boss@yourjob.com
To: you@yourjob.com
Why else do you think he was hired?
From: you@yourjob.com
To: boss@yourjob.com
His limbs were a violent symphony.
3. Probably Blackout Email
From: drunkestcoworkeratparty@yourjob.com
To: entire company
Dear co-workers, I hold each and every one of you in high regard. And so I would like to formally apologize to the person whose Stan Smith sneakers I stole last night. I do not know who they belong to, or how I procured them from their owner's feet. All I know is that I wanted them because I saw BJ Novak, the king of fashion, wearing them outside Whole Foods once. This is a photograph of them. [caption id="attachment_1729369" align="aligncenter" width="800"]Alec MacDonald[/caption]
From: randomcoworker@yourjob.com
To: drunkestcoworkeratparty@yourjob.com
They're mine. And you got them by threatening to pee on a pigeon you captured. Keep them.
4. Holier Than Thou (probably includes the word "thou") Email
From: CarriesLargeWaterBottleEverywhere@yourjob.com
To: entire company
I know everyone might be feeling a little "out of it" today because many of you have difficulty with moderation. Don't worry no judgment! Not everyone is as centered as me. I just don't like poisoning my body. And, honestly, I don't even deserve credit for that. My cross fit/hot yoga instructor/guru, Willow, is 100% for the current health of my body and mind (www.WeepingWillowGivesYouAHardBody.com.) I myself only had a glass of San Pelligrino with a lime wedge, which was actually totally sufficient for me. I had to make sure I was well-rested for my meditation retreat three weekends from now (www.FindYourSilence-FindYourVoice.net). Anyway, I'm writing to tell you all that I would like to invite any of you guys to a guided meditation to help you heal. Willow taught me that it is through the mind that we heal and develop the body (as proof you might have noticed my stomach, which is as flat as the tatami mat Willow uses to teach us "wellness napping" — a lot people say that it's the same as regular napping, but they're totally wrong and, honestly, ignorant, because its on a tatami mat). Anyway, reply to this email if your interested. It will be in the lounge in one hour. Best, Samantha "This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness." - Mark Ruffalo
From: CarriesLargeWaterBottleEverywhere@yourjob.com
To: entire company
Just checking in on this! Reply to this message if you're interested! "This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness." - Mark Ruffalo
From: CarriesLargeWaterBottleEverywhere@yourjob.com
To: entire company
Hello? I'm just trying to help you guys be as at peace and calm as me on this difficult day. "This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness." - Mark Ruffalo
From: CarriesLargeWaterBottleEverywhere@yourjob.com
To: entire company
FUCK YOU ALL I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL IN A FLAMING CAGE MADE FROM THE LIMBS OF YOUR FOREFATHERS! "This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness." - Mark Ruffalo
From: CarriesLargeWaterBottleEverywhere@yourjob.com
To: entire company
Namaste. "This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness." - Mark Ruffalo
That's it. Those are all the emails people will write the day after your holiday party. I'm sure you agree.
