Food porn is honestly not so different from humping porn if you really think about it.

After all, they both are designed to make something you could do at home look way better than it actually is.

And, most importantly, both introduce a need you will end up getting rid of as quickly as possible — whether it's by masturbating to what little you can remember of the latex outfits in “The Matrix," or feverishly eating Nutella with a spoon while sitting on the floor.

Another similarity they share is the fact there are lots of people out there who have no idea what they're doing.

Instagram is lousy with amateur food pornographers who think the best way to photograph their overcooked steak is from 1 inch away with a glow stick as the light source.

I've collected some of the worst food pornographers I could find. All I did to track these down was type in hashtags like #foodporn and #nomnomnom into Instagram. What I mean by that is: This is just the tip of the iceberg.

This article will also serve as the first chapter of my new diet book: "How To Lose Your Appetite Faster Than A Guy Who Just Found Out He's Eating His Dog.”

1. This image looks like it was taken by zooming in on a crime scene photograph to see what a Russian mobster was eating before he was fed to pigs.

2. With food porn, just like with regular porn, lighting is everything. I only watch porn with concealed lighting.

3. This photograph makes the dish looks like someone dribbled lube all over it.

4. See, I bet this was actually a very delicious plate of pasta, but here it looks like a very delicious pile of a squirrel's intestinal tract.

5. And here is a plate that looks about as fresh and new as those faded Boars Head photographs in bodega windows. If you are not from New York, that joke will mean nothing to you.

6. This steak tartar just looks like the stomach contents of a bloodsoaked coyote. I half expect to see a child's shoelace pop out of this fancy spam.

7. After being snubbed from the new “Ghostbusters” movie, the Michelin Man self-immolated.

8. Again, I bet this dish is amazing. And again, it looks like a swamp's diarrhea.

9. Wet rabbit fur with carrots.

10. Piece of advice: Don't photograph food so close that it looks like the surface of an uninhabitable planet.

11. This is what pasta looks like when birds regurgitate their food into the beaks of their young.

12. Green peas should not be desaturated blue peas. Stop using Valencia, you tit.

13. I'll leave you with a successful food porn photograph. I salute you, whizard!