It's widely accepted that taking a trip to IKEA with your significant other is about as beneficial to maintaining a healthy relationship as a bullet wound is to maintaining a healthy erection.
The two are sworn enemies -- like water and fire, or college and promise rings.
Despite the fact that this is common knowledge, a trip to the Swedish relationship dismantler will invariably end up in someone shouting the words:
Why the F*CK don't you want the two year warranty!? What? You DON'T think we are going to be together in two years?!
But why should this be? Why is IKEA shopping total kryptonite to otherwise stable relationships?
The way I see it, there are three possible reasons. The store has a triple-pronged attack, let's say. It is a dragon with three, disgusting heads.
Problem 1: Couples traveling to IKEA are probably currently immersed in the tense process of moving in together. Meaning they are at present embarking on a new, scarier stage of their relationship.
Problem 2: Buying furniture is a big monetary investment, which is stressful.
Problem 3: You have to MAKE the furniture. Ugh, imagine! What is this, the Industrial Revolution? The only things people under 45 actually HAVE to make with their hands are sandwiches and horribly-rolled joints.
IKEA is like the SATs but for relationships. You know it's going to be terrible, long and boring, but those who make it through without falling apart have bright futures ahead of themselves.
But those are just the lucky ones.
The rest of us just drown in the lakes of fire and walk out of the store with nothing but the smoldering remains of our love and only the distant prospect of depressingly great make-up sex to keep us company.
Look, baby, I think we need to talk. Things have started to fall apart.
I just don't know if this is working.
I just feel like something is off.
Things just aren't aligned like they used to be...
...and I've started to feel off-balance...
...and like we are drifting apart.
Honestly, I feel really unsupported...
...and spending time with you is suddenly uncomfortable.
Everything is just so backward...
...and I just think it's time...
...we break up.
This relationship just isn't strong enough for both our needs.
But please don't hate me...
...just because I couldn't...
...figure you out.
Because, maybe one day, when enough time has passed...
...we can try to see if we can make it work.
But it probably won't.
