I've always wondered how people get into the porn industry.
I kind of just assumed if you have what it takes -- I think the technical term is "a horse penis" -- then they send you a letter like the one Harry Potter got from Hogwarts.
The reality is it's just like getting any other Muggle job: You have to put yourself out there, send emails, subject yourself to humiliation and most of all, you have to be OK with doing it for free for a while.
But, some folks out there want to join the business and get paid for it.
In fact, RedTube, a porn streaming site, receives thousands of emails from people from all over the world asking for jobs in the stimulating field.
Despite the fact that RedTube doesn't actually make porn and, therefore, can't give any of these "guys with dicks" jobs, the site compiled many of these amazing cover letters on Tumblr, plastering them over stock photographs for added effect.
First of all, you need a porn name. I suggest "The Royal Baby-Maker."
Second step: Make business cards. I hear MOO's templates are really great.
I. Use. Big. Peepee. For. Good. Cause.
I'd like to think "Old Age Stay Home" is actually a militant organization hell-bent on keeping old people indoors.
This one reads like a disturbing children's book.
"I Think I Can Do This," an illustrated tale by Eddie McMuffdiver.
This fella is up for anything, including all those very sexy "dog hourse" videos people have been raving about.
I feel like there are other animals you would have sex with before you got to donkeys. You know, sheep and stuff. I dunno, I could be wrong.
Most of these people barely speak English...
OK, let's all start spelling it "pinis."
...so they let their penises do the talking.
Women's wear is on the second floor, next to the lawn equipment.
Yes, please send him everything he needs to know about porn. Everything. Do not leave anything out. He will know if you do.
I wish I could actually send people emails like this.
Your dear friend came to the conclusion he would like to now be in sex videos.
But he's only willing to work part-time. He's gotta get back to his dream of opening a yoga studio for the deaf.
I'm very unsettled by your need to make the distinction between woman and girl.
Oh, you're not in the US? That's totally fine. What's your address? We'll fax you a woman or girl immediately.
You had me at "hello."
But then you lost me with, "I want to have sex with all woman."
Please note the Important Capitalized Letters.
"Eating a cum" sounds hard, but really, all you need is a freezer and some ice trays and voilà!
Yeah, I bet you aren't as "active and strong" as you claim.
Question: How many cums can YOU eat?
And finally, there's this very straightforward gentleman.
I am 100 percent positive this guy is German. I can't explain it, but there is no way this penis-haver is not German.
