Anne Thériault, Canadian writer and expert tweeter, was in a coffee shop one day, just minding her own business, when she sat next to the most cringe-worthy first date ever witnessed by any man or woman or God.
For the sake of posterity, she decided to live-tweet it. It's like reading a manual on how to make someone allergic to your presence.
The man on this date is the sort of insufferable guy who thinks that because he managed the stupendous task of writing three sentences in a row without spelling errors, he is the reincarnation of Jack Kerouac.
If he means that he is a wino who still lives with his mom, then he's right. Anything else and he's more full of sh*t than Shaq's gold toilet after a midnight trip to Long John Silver's.
If this guy hasn't purchased a fedora at some point in his life, I'll eat a live snake.
Watching a couple on what appears to be a terrible first coffee date at the table next to me. Dude is every precious self-involved writer. — Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Different how? Like he has a lot of socks? Please explain.
"I'm writing a screenplay. It's about this guy who never really feels like he fits in. Like he's just different" — Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Who are these people and are they actually stuffed animals?
"People tell me I look like James Franco." — Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Very subtle technique, sir.
She keeps politely asking him questions. Not once has he asked her about herself. Wait he just asked if she'd ever dated a writer wtf — Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
I hope the demons win this wrestling match.
"Writing is really hard. People don't know that. It involves a lot of introspection, a lot of wrestling with your own demons." — Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
If a guy you know ever critiques the "body" of the coffee he is drinking, you should just go ahead and start critiquing his actual body.
He's now complaining about the "body" of the coffee, telling her he knows a place that doesn't over-roast their beans. — Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
You don't have a buddy. That's just your mom's boyfriend.
Every single thing she mentions he "did that one time, with my buddy" and is now an expert in — Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Is this chef's last name "Boyardee" by any chance?
Girl: I actually love cooking Dude: Oh god you should try my puttanesca sauce, my friend who's a chef says it's even better than his — Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
All we can do is pray this guy's fear of having children stays strong and he never passes on his faulty DNA.
OH NO NOW HE'S TALKING ABOUT HOW HIS FEAR OF HAVING CHILDREN STEMS FROM HIS DADDY ISSUES AND I CANNOT — Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
"Mild" is an understatement.
Girl has a look of mild panic. — Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Begin evasive maneuvers.
Girl just looked at her phone in feigned surprise. "Oh weird, I have a text from my mom." I just snorted audibly, turned it into fake cough — Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
No, your mom just wants to communicate with you as little as possible.
Dude, oblivious: "oh yeah? That's awesome, I don't think my mom even knows how to text" — Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Run.
Girl: "yeah, she's, uh, worried she left her stove on. she's in a meeting and can't go home. I'd better go check for her." — Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Run faster.
Dude: do you want to go and come back? Girl: It's pretty far. Maybe we can do this again next week? I'll text you. OUT THE DOOR LIKE A SHOT — Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Title possibility: "Why I'm cool and deserve to see more boobies."
He just opened his laptop and started typing. I hope it's a sad story about his life. — Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Citations: Writer Live Tweets a Couples Painful Terrible First Date (Cosmopolitan)
