28 Anxieties I Had While Drinking Wine On A Monday, A Week Before I Turn 28

I've always been the youngest of my friends. Elementary school, college, always. My parents didn't hold me back in kindergarten or we had some weird cut-off combined with my winter birthday or something like that. It was always a thing.

Each year, I was the last person in my grade to turn a year older. This was true for turning 16 and driving, turning 18 and adulthood and turning 21 and real, actual perks of adulthood.

It always sucked. (But yes, now it's pretty sweet.)

Sometimes, though, like an naive young person, I forget that my turn is coming. And when it does, it bites me on the bum.

This year, I was brought down to earth on a Monday night at my parents' house, after they went upstairs. I was sitting on their couch alone, not spilling a glass of red wine, when it dawned on me. I'm turning 28. 

The spiral of thoughts went like this:

1) My mom, whose couch I am drinking red wine on, had me when she was 28.

2) I'm still 27 for another week, there's time!

3) Except that I am single AF and nobody has been messaging me back on Bumble recently.

4) Am I ever going to get married like all of those people in my Instagram feed?

5) Nvm, I don't care about getting married because "Sex and the City" is a lie, and I don't need a man because I am woman hear me roar.

6) Well, a husband someday would be nice/dying alone would suck.

7) Isn't it cool that my parents watched “Insecure” on HBO with me tonight and genuinely  LOL-ed at Issa Rae's “Broken Pussy” rap?

8) Isn't it bleak that my dad was horrified when a male character on the show said, “I'm not looking for a relationship right now” (My dad: “Then what are they looking for?!”), and I was totally unfazed?

9) I should probably decide if I actually want a relationship before I give guys such a hard time like, all the time.

10) But why am I so bad at intimacy, my parents are amazing to each other, you know?

11) TBH, my mom is sick and that really scares me and I don't want anyone to leave me ever.

12) Don't be emo Kimmy, tuck it in.

13) Also, I'm legitimately jealous of my parents' new dog.

14) Don't be emo Kimmy, tuck it in.

15)  If I am woman hear me roar, aren't I allowed to care about wanting to end up with an awesome dude without it making me fiercely basic/codependent?

16) What even is feminism?

17) Kimmy, it's too late for deep thoughts about feminism.

18) It's a Monday.

19) I wonder if he's on a date.

20) Do non-sociopaths go on dates on Monday nights?

21) STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM, THINK ABOUT THE Q TIPS YOU NEED TO BUY FOR YOUR APARTMENT.

22) 401(k)s are very real things (that I am not dealing with).

23) Should I go to business school?

24) Should I scrounge around my parents' freezer for an ice cream sandwich?

25) My train back to the city is early tomorrow, why haven't I put myself to bed in the fluffy queen that exists here and is exponentially more comfortable than the mattress in my apartment where it is always below freezing or a sauna?

26) Maybe my goal in life is simply to exist as my parents' dog does when he's sleeping: smiling, paws up, on a hardwood floor.

27) I sure have a lot of questions for myself tonight. Ugh, maybe I'm a narcissist.

28) I think I'll have another glass of Malbec.