Social Head Piece: The Beanie Is The Von Dutch Hat Of 2014

Americans are among the worst dressers of all time, so, realistically, a history of cringeworthy trends shouldn’t really turn too many heads.

I mean, I’ve seen dudes walking around midtown Manhattan in full Burberry plaid suits, and failed to raise an eyebrow.

I’m not kidding, like full-on plaid suits – with matching belts and accessories – on multiple occasions, no less. See, that type of sh*t just wouldn’t happen in Milan. Only here.

Yet, still, despite all of America’s taste-making mishaps, one thing remains the same – the Von Dutch hat of the early 2000s reigns supreme as the most audacious.

Think about it.

Even the plaid Burberry getup, is it ridiculous? Sure. But at least it’s British luxury fashion house, Burberry. It’s upscale… it’s lavish – and you’re paying for a brand, a prestige, so I guess in some abstract way one could earn points for that.

I can’t really condemn it. If I hit the lotto tomorrow, and somehow became filthy rich – who’s to say by the time I’m in my 40s, playing softball on Sunday mornings, I won’t be shagging lazy flyballs in a Goyard leather glove?

But Von Dutch? It’s a trucker hat. A f*cking truck driver person hat. Why the f*ck was all of Hollywood for, like, a year and a half, boasting a fashion statement inspired by people who drive trucks?

I'm not exactly sure what Von Dutch’s deal was, but I could only come up with one sensible motivation for the hat’s design.

And that would be if he didn’t have a good relationship with his father – who was a bearded, flannel clad, truck driver – and decided to rebel in the most agonizing way possible: By designing an ugly bedazzled hat inspired BY him, just to remind him on a day-to-day basis that his son went the fashion route, instead.

Look, I have nothing against truck drivers. My uncle was a truck driver, my second cousin drives trucks – it’s in my blood. Having said that, I wouldn’t necessarily advise Ashton Kutcher to take any fashion tips from either of them.

Especially not for a hundred dollar retail price!

Yet, for some unsettling reason, I wanted one when I was younger, and even asked Santa for my own. Of course, when my parents bought me a non Von Dutch, like, a generic brand trucker hat, instead – probably for a far more sensible price – I threw a little sh*t fit on Christmas morning.

But that was the power of the Von Dutch hat, ya know? It was “cool.”

“They’re” cool, man. Justin Timberlake wears them… so, they’re coool. And as if early-2000s JT wasn’t enough of a cosign for the mainstream – Jay Z, too, sported them [mind explodes].

Fast forward a decade or so, we’ve now since recognized our fashion gaffe and at least can laugh about it. Hardy har har. As we all know, hindsight is 20/20.

Yet I can’t help but to think we’re repeating the same mistake twice right here.

Am I the only one who has seen these beanies with “Homiés” written on the front, in a knock-off “Hermés” style font?

I doubt it – they have unequivocally become the “trendy” hat of 2014 (according to my sources who have/do Tumblr).

And they aren’t solely confined to Hermés, and Homiés, either. Introduce yourself to the whole collection (shoutout Brian Lichtenberg, you the real MVP). There are Céline and Féline. Instead of Prada Milan, there’s Party Animal. And mustn’t we forget “Da Kute Face.” Not The North Face, Da Kute Face.

Wait, hollup, hollup [cue Wiz voice]… DA KUTE FACE!!!!?

Is it just me who seems to think this is the latest fashion trend to reach Von Dutch levels of ridiculousness?

Allow me to explain.

OK, strictly from a consumer standpoint, these hats are way overpriced. Not unlike the Von Dutch hats prior, these beanies will cost you around $100.

Also – much like Von Dutch hats prior – you’re not paying for a brand, or a prestige, whatsoever. But wait, here’s the kicker – YOU’RE PAYING FOR THE OPPOSITE.

Bear in mind, these hats aren’t Hermés of Paris – they’re HOMIÉS… of SOUTH CENTRAL. See, there’s a huge difference there.

Just as people in 2002 were spending money to emulate truckers, people in the 2014 are spending theirs on brands that LOOK LIKE other brands (without the any of the actual branding behind it).

It’s literally the fashion equivalent of the Knicks signing a player who LOOKS LIKE Michael Jordan, without one iota of basketball skill (and I really hope I’m not giving the Knicks braintrust too many ideas right now).

I mean, if my girlfriend really wanted a Hermés beanie for her birthday – I’d probably splurge. Why not?

But for Homiés? Eh, maybe next year.

Then again, like Von Dutch hats, I hope they’ve disappeared by then.