With the second half of the final season of “Breaking Bad” set to premiere this Sunday, I’d be lying if I told you I was thinking about anything other than whether or not they’re going to kill off Skyler this season.
Anyone who watches the show can second that motion...along with the one that Walter White is the most interesting man on earth.
Seriously though, everyone can learn a thing or two from our friend Walt. I’ve made it a bit easier for you all -- here’s the 8 most important lessons Walter White has taught us.
1. Being Bald Is Dope
Grab your notebook, LeBron. If watching MJ win 6 rings, without a follicle of hair on his scalp couldn’t do it for you -- perhaps watching a chemistry teacher become a meth-lord all over a few 47-minute episodes will do the trick. If Heisenberg can mix a couple hundred gallons of highly illegal chemicals, stop freight trains AND put up with his c*nt of a wife (and I hate using that word) -- all while proudly displaying his baldness -- I’m sure you can do the same, King.
2. Quantum Mechanics Are Badass
Frankly, I can’t say I’ve put THAT much thought into becoming a drug kingpin. Having said that, I can say I’ve put that much thought into what my drug-kingpin-alias would be, and let me tell you, it wouldn’t be named after a German theoretical physicist. Think about the type of swag Walter White has.
The fact that he had the balls to actually tell drug addicts he was “Heisenberg” (of all the infinitely intimidating number of alter-egos at his disposal) is a testament to whatever’s in that man’s scrotum. Who am I? Hmmm, call me The Devil’s Son. Call me The Nightmare. NO, The Candyman. Actually, wait -- you know what, just call me Heisenberg.
It’s not even spelt in a cool way like “Highz N’ Burg” (I don’t know, it’s got “high” in it, and after all, he’s cookin’ up meth), but after Werner f*cking Heisenberg.
3. There’s Hope For The “Bad Student”
Having class with me in high school was always a good thing. For the rest of the class, that is. I’m not trying to toot my own horn, so to speak, but with the quality laughs I supplied every morning at 7a.m. (usually at the teacher’s expense) -- you would’ve thought Larry David was up all night writing my material. “Very funny Daniel, you think you’re going to find a job with that attitude?”
No, Mr. H, I think I’ll just wait ‘til you start up your meth lab, and see if you need a wiseass like me on board! Seriously though, tremendous shouts to Walter White for teaming up with the only kid he failed in high school (it’s the equivalent of drafting another Serbian with the top pick after Darko Milicic). So much for the résumé I just had my mom do for me.
4. Sometimes The Apple Does Fall Far From The Tree
Flin? Flynn? It doesn’t really matter how you spell it, Walter’s boy is an Urkel at heart. When I was 16, if my pops handed me some tequila -- I would’ve downed it like a champ, listened to some Roscoe Dash, and proceeded to tell every girl on my BBM contact list “I’m sioo fiuckih drunk ritE now cumm ovetr.” Walt Jr., on the other hand, projectile vomited. It makes no sense.
I get the whole “it was a tequila night” thing, I go to college. But even my sorority bitches can run through bottles of Cuervo and Diet Coke (like baby formula) and not puke up their lungs on-scene (at least they wait till they’re back at my frat house). Hold your liquor boy!
5. Just Win, Baby
At everything in life. Whether it’s little moral victories like landing your pitch on the green (from some fescue grass) -- or larger matters -- like getting an ex-drug-runner to strap a bomb to himself and assassinate the current drug-runner, Walt has taught us it’s always good to win. Is this all Walter has taught us about winning? Of course not.
Walter White also shows us how, after winning, the best thing to do is to call someone up and tell them, “I won.” No matter how big (or small) the victory, always make sure to tell someone you won. Trust me, winning with class is overrated. Al Davis style.
6. Car Washes Are Perfect Places To Cook Meth
There’s a lot of people in America who will tell you that a car wash is not a prime place to manufacture high-end opiate products. Walter White, however, thought otherwise. Need a new workspace to cook meth? Need a new business front to launder all your drug-earnings successfully? Look no further than the local car wash. The ultimate “killing two birds with one stone” situation. Now, not only can your friends get their new 3 Series looking sparkling fresh -- but you can get them their fix of methamphetamine too!
7. It’s Not All About Whip Appeal
Walter White is the don of all Dons, and he pushed a f*ckin’ Pontiac Aztek for about 4 seasons. Then he sold it for 50 cash. Walt taught America how “it’s not the car that makes the man, but the man who makes the car.” He does this by driving a car that I could only describe as heinous. First of all, it’s kinda a minivan, but not even (deemed a “crossover” model, so it isn’t even a full-fledged minivan).
One of the wheels is missing the rim (as if it couldn’t get any worse). And if you’re not satisfied yet -- the paint job is atrocious (essentially faded puke green). Not to mention, it’s constantly trashed -- and if you happen to catch an episode where the front windshield isn’t shattered -- it probably will be by the end of the episode. Nonetheless, Walt stunts like he’s sitting on chrome.
8. Lying Is Necessary
There you have it.
