Here's Why You Need To Get Consent Before Engaging In Anal Play

Ah, butt stuff. WTF is up with butt stuff in the bedroom? I’ve been wondering about butt stuff for some time now. I've had my fair share of great sexual experiences, but every now and then, I have an experience that catches me off guard — and not in a good way. I'm talking about the unwarranted, unquestionably odd (in my opinion, anyway) anal foreplay: the act of sticking a tongue, pair of lips, or finger in the butt without permission. Yes, friends, the unwelcome finger in butt is a plague upon bedrooms.

Now, it's no secret that aimlessly fooling around with a partner’s body is a healthy thing — as long as you ask for consent, of course. And such directionless fooling around is usually not a waste of time; instead, it’s a journey toward figuring out what does the trick (read: reaching the big O) for a specific body. Stimulating a clitoris, for example, is one tried-and-true way to make some people climax. But for the kind of person who wanders into anal territory, stimulating a clitoris or simply entering a vagina is not sexually wild enough. And that’s when the classic butthole slip can occur.

For someone who's headstrong in life and equally adventurous in the bedroom, anal play is not “too much” in the least bit. But as with any sort of sexual activity, consent is 100% necessary.

Besides clitoral stimulation, there's more than one sure-fire way to make someone with a vagina scream in pleasure: stimulating a clitoris while also stimulating the butt hole, also known as the good ol' "one in the pink, two in the stink." If done correctly, this method can get a someone off. But(t), the keyword in that last sentence is "correctly." According to sexologist Alicia Sinclair, founder and CEO of b-Vibe and Le Wand, "Anal orgasms can happen through indirect stimulation of the erogenous zones inside the vagina. The G-spot and A-spot are key places for pleasurable stimulation through the shared wall between the vagina and rectum."

If you choose to indulge in butt play, you have to make sure your SO knows it’s coming. Because the worst thing a someone can do to an unprepared partner is slip a tooth, a nail, a fist or what-have-you into the part of their body from which fecal matter comes out. It is painful, disgusting and downright wrong. The answer might be no, and you have to be OK with that.

Before introducing anal fingering or any sort of anal play into your sex routine, have a frank conversation with your partner about whether they’re open to the possibility. “Always discuss anything you want to try outside of the bedroom in a neutral environment,” Emily Morse, sexologist and host of the Sex With Emily podcast, previously told Elite Daily. “This way, no one will feel pressured, and you both can be open and honest without judgment. Gauge each other’s interest in what you’re open to, and make sure to talk about any concerns and boundaries along with what you both want to try." Anal fingering can also open up the conversation to anal sex, if that something you’re both interesting in trying.

Opinions toward butt stuff in general differ depending on whom you ask. I, myself, am not much of a butt person. Never was one, and probably never will be one. I won't get into the dirty details here, but a recent “unwelcome finger” incident left my bum so sore that I was left walking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame for two consecutive weeks and could only wear leggings — no denim.

A 22-year-old friend of mine — let’s call her Anastasia* — has had a finger in the stinker and didn’t like it, either. She describes the sensation of her ex fingering her in the bum as "a weird combination of being tickled and like I had to sh*t." Can't blame ya, Anastasia. Can't blame ya. But even people who are into butt stuff have the same criteria for wanting to be butt-fingered: Just ask first.

A 29-year-old friend of mine who says she has “major anal fantasies” — let’s call her Beatrice* — has dealt with an unwelcome finger from two different sexual partners. In regards to an experience she had with her second partner, she says:

An unexpected finger went right up my bum. No warm-up. No warning. Just “BAM,” a finger in the bum. It was extremely jarring, yet sort of exciting as I have major anal fantasies. The only trouble is I was terrified to relax. I was afraid to relax because I thought it would get, um, messy, if you know what I mean. You can't surprise someone with anal. It needs to be discussed so one can be prepared, properly.

Even for Beatrice, who, admittedly, has a piqued interest in exploring sensations through the back door, being attacked by an unwelcome finger is anything but sexy.

What can we learn from all of this? Well, we know that people can only orgasm if both their mind and body are relaxed. We also know that in order to relax the smaller orifices of the body, we sometimes need things like, oh, I don't know, maybe verbal consensus or lubricant, or a combination of the two. So people, please: Unless we ask for it, do not lead with the unwelcome finger.

Stay clear of the hole less traveled unless your SO give you the green light. If they do, they can then set the pace and prepare by completely relaxing both mentally and physically. They’ll take the lead if they’re willing and ready, after which you can follow along in a way that makes the sexual experience comfortable for everyone involved.

*Names have been changed

If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, you can call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673) or visit online.rainn.org.

Experts:

Alicia Sinclair, sexologist and founder and CEO of b-Vibe and Le Wand

Emily Morse, sexologist and host of the Sex With Emily podcast