This Is How You Can Stop Your Dog From Ruining Your Sex Life

About a month back, I was masturbating on a leather couch in my living room. Nobody was home, and I didn't need headphones for discretionary purposes. It was excellent and oddly liberating. Well, that is, until I nudged my Basset Hound in the head.

As soon as it happened, I stopped, stared deep into his saggy eyes and felt a deep sense of shame. He was judging me, and he wouldn't look away. He gave me side-eye in a most vicious way.

“Don't you have a girlfriend?” his body language read as I put my now-embarrassed penis back into my briefs. I did have a girlfriend (now fiancé), and I love her very much. He was right: This was shameful.

I then thought, Does my dog really know what I'm doing, or am I just projecting my own judgement onto my dog, who really just thinks I'm playing with a flesh-like toy that's fastened to my body?

I'd be lying if I said he hasn't tried taking part in some sexual positions I've found myself in with my girlfriend. (He does sleep with us in bed, after all). One time — this might gross you out — he even licked my butt (like, inside of it) mid-penetration. I'd never experienced that before. The fact that my first rim job came courtesy of my dog was a little strange, and I'd like to think I'm warranted in feeling that way.

So, to council on dogs' relationships with their owners' sex lives, I spoke to Wendy Diamond, pet lifestyle expert and animal advocate, who told me first and foremost, an animal's relationship with its owner's sex lives ultimately depends on the dog.

“Some dogs are not phased by their pet parent having sex in front of them and do not exhibit behavioral signs of excitement or stress," she begins. But, she insists others act based on territorial guarding, which "can cause some dogs to think that their pet parent is being attacked by his or her sexual partner on what the dog believes to be his bed.”

If your dog acts out, Diamond says it is likely guarding its territory. Our dogs don't know we're having sex with our partners. And since pets can't masturbate themselves, it's even less likely that they understand what we're doing when we masturbate.

It would appear that my dog, who is quite the attention whore, merely didn't want to be left out of the equation. We we'e “playing” in what he believed to be his own bed, after all. (And him feeling this way was my fault, not his.)

To ensure an accidental rim job never happens again, Diamond says the pet owner should take precautionary measures to remove the dog from the room during sex, or train it to stay off the bed and put it in its own dog bed or crate: “Some dogs exhibit signs of excitement when their pet parent engages in sexual behavior, and it's easiest for those dogs to be left in another room in order to avoid interruption.”

I'll admit that I've tried keeping my dog out of the room during sex many times. But, he tends to just whine and scratch at the door until we bring him back in. Though, this goes without saying, these sounds are not conducive to orgasm.

“Another option is to train your dog to stay off of your bed,” Diamond adds. “On many occasions, when a dog interrupts a sexual session, it's because they feel that its territory (aka your bed) is being threatened.” This training, according to Diamond, can be done in just a few weeks.

Besides just interrupting us in the bedroom, dogs also try to create their own action by humping our legs. What is it about the human leg that turns dogs on so damn much?

According to Diamond, this horny behavior is more prevalent in unsprayed or unneutered dogs. “However,” she says, “in older dogs, it can also be an expression of dominance or excitement.” She also says it could be the dog "seeking comfort from their beloved pet parent."

Neutering a male dog usually decreases humping problems, Diamond mentions, but in older dogs, most veterinarians suggest obedience training: “Put simply, there's nothing particularly special about a human leg; most dogs hump almost anything that they can reach or any creature they want to dominate.”

So, here I was, thinking I had sexy legs. Apparently, this wasn't the case.

It appears all dogs react to sexual acts for their own reasons. Most feel that either their territory is being threatened, or that their pet owner is being abused. They simply want to protect them. It has nothing to do with sex, per se, and more to do with a dog's perception of what's going on.

Ultimately, you have to respect the fact your dog is trying to protect the owner or home, even if the result is having your ass licked.