10 Things All Women Deal With When The Office Is Too F*cking Cold
“This office is so f*cking cold.”
It is the collective cry of female employees across corporate (and startup) America. Why is the f*cking AC so goddamn high in all of these buildings? The office is too cold!
There was a really brilliant article in the New York Times about how freezing offices are a men's paradise. It references a study that found that most buildings set the office temperatures "based on a decades-old formula that uses the metabolic rates of men."
Who wants it to be 57 degrees INSIDE?! Men, that's who. It doesn't matter how much you complain to HR or lament to your boss, the air will never be switched off.
If you're a woman out there in the workforce, I know you feel me. It may be summer and time to bring out the shorts and tank tops, but inside, we're slowly turning into ice sculptures in the name of male comfort.
Here are 10 things that all women go through when the office is TOO F*CKING COLD:
1. Your nips become diamonds.
Seriously, god forbid you don't wear a padded bra in your office, because your nips get so rock hard that you could slice a steak. Your nips will eventually get a bit chapped after being so hard and pointy for such extended periods of time.
Of course, I'm convinced this is all part of the man's game to see our nipples and I'm not about that sh*t AT ALL.
2. It's a constant reminder of the patriarchy.
I'm always reminded of what it means to work in a man's world when the air is turned back on for the warmer months.
It is a physical manifestation of the male-dominated world we live in.
Sure, keeping the office thermostat at a steady 55 degrees is perfect for men in suits, but what about the rest of the company's staff, the female employees? We freeze to death in our skirts and trousers, in our blouses and button ups while the men in suits are catered to so the summer heat doesn't bother them one bit.
Every time you're in your office, on the brink of having a cold-induced panic attack, let it be a reminder of why we need feminism.
3. No one will ever see your cute outfits.
Even if you do work in a liberal office environment where you're welcome to show off your personal style, no one will ever know how fresh you look because you'll be forced to wear a hoodie everywhere you go to retain body heat.
Today, I really wanted to show off my fringe and flowered kimono but instead I'm wrapped in a leather jacket and scarf as I type this. I know all my fellow females know what I'm talking about.
4. The men don't understand.
The guys around your office will ask, “Why are you wearing a sweater and scarf? It's 72 degrees outside!” and look genuinely puzzled whilst their sweat pools at the pits of their shirts.
They don't get it. They don't really want to get it. The only thing they're concerned about is why Jenny is Accounting isn't showing off her cleavage like she did during February. (It's because the heat was on, you f*cking assholes.)
5. Your sweaters will go missing.
You'll be forced to start keeping a dumpy sweater in the office. The problem is that this sweater WILL go missing. The cleaning crew around the office will see that your sweater has fallen off your chair and will take it away to what I can only assume is heaven for lost items.
One by one your sweaters will disappear, forcing you to feed your online shopping habit to replace them. RIP yellow, cashmere sweater I loved so much.
6. Wearing your hair up sucks major dick.
In most corporate offices, the air vents on the ceiling spill cold-ass air down into the room in vicious spurts of hellish intensity. The boys love it. They think it's refreshing.
If you dare to wear an updo, the company AC will blow down your neck like the icy breath of death. The office is a f*cking wind tunnel with the goddamn AC.
You have to wear your hair down in the middle of f*cking summer just to add another layer of protective warmth over your freezing skin.
7. It's hard to type because your fingers are frozen.
When the office is kept at Antarctica levels of freezing, your nibbly little fingers wind up being stiff and FROZEN. Since you have a desk job wherein you are required to labor away on a laptop for eight hours a day, you can't just throw on mittens in the middle of July and huddle at your desk doing nothing.
I'm planning to buy a Snuggie just so I can be warm and also do my work. It won't solve the icy fingers dilemma but at least it may help. SOS.
It honestly gives my work more edge. It's literally angrier because I'm so pissed that I'm cold.
8. Jumpsuits are a f*cking nightmare.
Here's the thing about jumpsuits that only women can relate to: You have to completely strip down to pee (never to poop because women don't poop. LOLOL).
You can't just pull your pants down, because your top and bottom are connected. You have to take the whole f*cking thing off.So, when you need to pee, you wind up shivering and naked on the toilet trying to relieve yourself while covered in chicken skin. It's slightly traumatizing.
9. Cold water will lead to hypothermia.
You may be in the mood for some ice cold water, but f*ck that. You cannot have cold water because you're so goddamn cold.
If you drank cold water, you'd only drop your body temperature. So instead of enjoying the filtered good stuff, you have to drink lukewarm water from the sink. Blessed.
10. Your skin is so very dry.
Moisture will be like, “BYE, BITCH! SEE YA LATER!” Your delicate lady skin will be brittle due to the constant outpour of frozen, recycled air being blasted onto your body.
I have a giant bottle of hand lotion on my desk for everyone to use. It's almost gone because so many of my girlfriends have to grab it every few hours just to avoid flakiness. WTF.
We need a thermostat revolution, ladies. Meet me by the water cooler. The Snuggie revolt begins at dawn.
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