Today In NOPE News: Children Are Being Lured Into Woods By Creepy Clowns

Honestly, I don't wanna sound crude, but I cannot imagine a worse way to lure children into a wooden area. Everyone hates clowns, and if they don't they at least distrust them.

Regardless, imagine that you're a parent who resides at Fleetwood Manor Apartments in Greenville, South Carolina.

You notice a note hanging on your front door from your apartment's property manager.

Already you're probably nervous. Am I being evicted? Is rent being raised? Have cockroaches overrun the management, and now we must answer to them?

Then, you realize to your horror, it is worse than all three of those things...

Clowns are trying to lure your children into the woods.

The letter reminds the public that children should not be alone and should never walk through the woods by themselves at night.

It also informs residents that the Greenville County law enforcement will be conducting daily patrols due to reports of CLOWNS LURING CHILDREN INTO THE WOODS.

The letter reads:

8/24/2016 To The Residents of Fleetwood Manor There has [sic] been several conversation [sic] and a lot of complaints to the office regarding a clown or a person dressed in clown clothing taking children or trying to lure children in the woods. First and foremost at Fleetwood Manor Apartments children's [sic] safety is a top priority. At no time should a child be alone at night, or walking in the roads or wooded areas at night. Also if a person or persons are seen you are to immediately call the police. Greenville County Police Department is aware of the situation and have been riding [sic] the property daily. Remember there is a 10pm curfew for the property so to ensure your children's [sic] safety please keep them in the house during night hours and make sure at ALL times children are supervised. Anymore information that becomes regarding this issue will be sent out to all residents. Thank you, Property Manager

Donna Arnold is one resident at the complex who called the Sheriff's Office after her son told her he saw clowns behind the basketball court. She told FOX Carolina,

I thought my child was seeing things. And then the next day I had about 30 kids come up to me and say, 'Did you see the clown in the woods?'

A woman, who did not want to be identified, reported that her son saw "clowns in the woods whispering and making strange noises."

When she went to see for herself, she saw a number of clowns in the woods flashing green laser lights. They then ran away further into the woods.

Donna's husband, James Arnold, told BuzzFeed News:

[Our children] mentioned, 'Momma, there's clowns out there in the woods and they're trying to get us to come out there.' Some had chains, some had knives, and some were holding out money, saying, 'Come here, we've got candy for you,' but they wouldn't go.

Because obviously. Money, okay, maybe I'll go into the woods, but if you also flash chains and knives I'm probably going to avoid that area.

Donna says that her son has seen 10 clowns at one time.

Another neighbor, who wished to be unidentified, said that she saw a clown while walking to her house at 2:30AM on August 21. The incident report read,

[She] saw a clown with a blinking nose, standing under a post light near the garbage dumpster area. She stated the suspect waved at her and she waved back while she made her way to her residence safely. The suspect did not approach her or harm her.

Is anyone else impressed by this woman's ability to stay cool? I would literally pee myself if I saw this, not wave back.

I suspect the clown is probably just one of a number of dumb teenagers trying to have fun before school starts. If my hypothesis that these are just dumb teens is correct, picture being their parents.

You're prepared to find condoms, and you're proud they're at least practicing safe sex.

You were ready to discover drug paraphernalia and having to have that conversation with them.

But then you discover clown paraphernalia in the house, and you have to discourage them from scaring local children.

Deputies responded to a number of children who believed the clowns were staying at an abandoned home located near a pond at the end of trail in the woods.

They have investigated the house and found no suspicious activity or clown makeup.

The police have also responded to gunshots being fired at the clowns, because this is South Carolina, ya'll.

Citations: People Are Being Warned About Scary Clowns Luring Kids Into The Woods (Buzzfeed)