If you've watched Schitt's Creek, then you know it's full of profound advice. David is your go-to guy for artisanal soaps and haute couture. Alexis can tell you how to escape from Somali pirates, negotiate in Arabic, and beat a Ugandan diamond smuggler at pool. Johnny is the king at building (and rebuilding) financial empires. And of course, Moira is the expert on wigs, theater, and raising bébés. But throughout its six seasons, the series might have taught you more about love than you even realized. I've rounded up the best Schitt's Creek quotes on dating, relationships, and sex, and IMO, they actually make a lot of sense.
When the Roses first moved to Schitt's Creek, I think it's fair to say David and Alexis didn't have a ton of experience in the realm of love (besides Alexis' many tumultuous affairs and David's sexual awakening on Birthright). However, through their experiences — and through their parents' surprisingly functional marriage — the siblings learned how to care for people other than themselves, and I truly loved that journey for them. Even if Alexis will always be a little bit single (even when she's not), she and the Rose family offered plenty of worthwhile advice on matters of the heart, and these quotes are simply the best.
On Sex & Sexuality
1. "I do drink red wine, but I also drink white wine. And I've been known to occasionally sample the rosé, and a couple summers back I tried a merlot that used to be a chardonnay. I like the wine, not the label." — David, Season 1, Episode 10
2. "Honey, what I do in the privacy of my sheets is my own business." — Roland, Season 3, Episode 9
3. "I hate to be the one to tell you, but having sex is not just about making children so they can grow up and make you feel bad about having sex." — Moira, Season 1, Episode 5
4. "I think it's important for Patrick to experience other people in order to realize how good he has it with me." — David, Season 5, Episode 6
5. "You know that if it's in your dreams, or over the clothes, it's not cheating, right?" — Alexis, Season 1, Episode 10
6. "She is not my girlfriend. She's someone I'm occasionally having sex with because we're bored and desperate." — David, Season 1, Episode 11
7. "Allow me to offer you some advice. Take a thousand naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think, 'Oh, I'm too spooky,' or 'Nobody wants to see these tiny boobies,' but believe me: One day you will look at those photos with much kinder eyes and say, 'Dear God, I was a beautiful thing!'" – Moira, Season 2, Episode 9
On Dating & Flirting
8. "I'm not sharing a boyfriend. Stevie and I are both dating Jake at the same time, like sexually-evolved human beings." — David, Season 2, Episode 3
9. "Sometimes, in life and in love, risks must be taken. One never knows what may happen." — Moira, Season 4, Episode 4
10. "So if there's one thing I learned, it's that when it comes to love, you cannot let little things get in your way. Like, I once dated this sultan's nephew who was forbidden to talk to me or even to look at me and we made it work for, like, half a regime change." — Alexis, Season 2, Episode 10
11. "Like Beyoncé, I excel as a solo artist." — David, Season 4, Episode 4
12. "If and when you meet someone who catches your eye, hold his gaze. Then walk up behind him, trace a single finger down his back. And if he follows you into a dark corner of the bar, it's meant to be." — Moira, Season 4, Episode 4
13. "It's not scary or embarrassing for the person you're dating to sing at you with an acoustic guitar in front of people. I think that's cool." — David, Season 4, Episode 6
14. "We do have to be careful with our hearts and our parts." — Johnny, Season 1, Episode 10
On Relationships & Love
15. "He told me be doesn't want my help, so I'm just going to play the supportive partner and watch him fail." – David, Season 5, Episode 5
16. "If you desire a love with longevity, the key is to have as little in common as possible. After an award-worthy trilogy of decades together, your father and I still astonish each other." — Moira, Season 6, Episode 3
17. "David, you have to stop watching Notting Hill. It's not helpful for our relationship." — Patrick, Season 5, Episode 13
18. "If I may impart a slice of marital sagacity: You and I, we're two potent grapes. You know, there's a lot of your father in Patrick. But just because their notes are subtle doesn't mean they require any less attention." — Moira, Season 6, Episode 7
19. "When it comes to matters of the heart, we can't tell our kids who to love." — Roland, Season 1, Episode 10
20. "Let's hope that you continue to surprise each other. It keeps the relationship titillating." — Moira, Season 4, Episode 7
21. "I think it's important for us to remember that sometimes, it does work out. And even though everything inside us is telling us to protect ourselves, when you've got it, don't let it go." — David, Season 4, Episode 12
I Schitt you not — the Roses may actually be on to something with these words of wisdom.
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