It's cuffing season, folks. As you head toward colder weather, the end of the semester, and the holidays, you might be looking for something a little more serious than usual. When it comes to starting a new relationship or reevaluating the one you're currently in, assessing your compatibility is key. If you're serious about your relationship lasting, you may want to look out for signs you're not compatible with your partner. I talked with the author of First Comes Us: The Busy Couple's Guide to Lasting Love Anita A. Chlipala, LMFT about telltale signs of incompatibility within a couple.
When it comes to compatibility, Chlipala stresses that compromise and openness are important because every couple has differences to navigate. Compatibility is a combination of numerous factors including both partners' values, attractions, interests, goals, political views, and more. So even if you notice the following signs, it doesn't mean you and your partner have to call it quits. You may just need to look these differences head on because, as Chlipala explains, they are not likely to go away on their own. Check out her advice on which signs to pay attention to in your relationship.
01You avoid hard conversations because you're afraid you might break up.
A major sign that you may not be compatible with your partner is avoidance. "If you ignore your differences and prefer not to have conversations around your expectations and goals," says Chlipala, "it's likely because you fear that you might break up." Avoidance may prevent conflict in the moment, but it could ultimately delay a much larger problem.
"The risk [of breaking up] is there," explains Chlipala, "but having conversations around your differences is important so that you don’t fall in love with, and get attached to, someone who isn’t a good fit." It's OK to have fears and concerns about your relationship, but talking things out is better than keeping them bottled up.
02You have the same conflicts over and over.
If the same conflicts persist throughout your relationship, it can be a telltale sign that you may not be right for each other. For instance, if you often ask your partner to compliment you or show you affection and they continuously fail to do so, this could be a bigger problem than you think. "Compromise is essential to a healthy relationship, and if one or both of you aren’t open to negotiation or compromise," says Chlipala, "you won’t make your relationship work well."
If you're consistently having the same arguments without compromise on either side, it could help to really evaluate if the relationship is beneficial to either of you.
03You feel insecure and anxious like never before.
"Another sign is that you find yourself feeling more insecure or having anxiety like you’ve never experienced before," Chlipala explains. If you've noticed a significant negative change in your mental health or self-esteem, consider if it's stemming from your current partnership. Mental health can fluctuate for numerous reasons, so it definitely isn't guaranteed to be caused by your relationship. However, it doesn't hurt to take a closer look, because sometimes a relationship can impact your mental health in ways you didn't expect.
For example, if your anxiety is high, consider if it stems from worrying about potentially losing your partner. If you're feeling bad about yourself, consider if your partner builds you up in the way you need. "A healthy relationship should make you feel secure and at ease," explains Chlipala.
If you've noticed that any of these signs are present in your relationship, try not to panic. Chlipala stresses, "Communication is key. First you want to be aware of where you and your partner are different. Secondly, identify which of these areas is a problem." All differences between you and your partner aren't necessarily proof of incompatibility. Sometimes it just takes acknowledging your differences to get closer to being on the same page.
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