If A Relationship Isn't Emotionally Secure, You'll Notice These Signs

When you’re feeling safe in a relationship, you trust that your partner will not do something that will intentionally hurt you. So whether you’re acting on it or not, if you find that you’re frequently tempted to check their phone or laptop for anything suspicious, that’s a red flag.

“If you’re going behind your partner’s back to try to figure out what they’re doing when you’re not around, you’re not feeling secure in the relationship,” explains Masini. “People who snoop like this are trying to confirm their worst fears — because they don’t trust their partner to tell them directly.” Masini advises that if you're surprised by how trusting your friends are of their own partners, that's another possible red flag that you've got yours on a tight leash.

If you feel like you have good reason to snoop because your partner has cheated on you in the past, acknowledge that. If that’s the case, and you still feel tempted to scope out their texts and emails here and there, you haven’t been able to regain a sense of emotional safety. Communication here is key, and you should consider addressing that trust issue head-on.

Especially in the early stages of a relationship, it’s common (and totally normal) to feel like you want to be with your partner all the time. However, having a little breathing room is imperative for maintaining a healthy relationship. So if you feel scared to leave your partner alone, you may want to consider why.

As Masini points out, while this may appear to be a control issue, it’s actually rooted in fear. “If you don’t trust your partner to be without you, you’re not feeling safe in the relationship,” she says. “Clinginess isn’t about affection — it’s about fear of your partner doing things you don’t like when you’re not around.”

So, if you’re feeling a little uneasy about your SO hitting a bar with friends or taking a vacation without you, it’s time to dig into your discomfort. Do you have cause to be skeptical of your partner’s loyalty? Or is there another reason why you’re scared of what might happen when you’re not around? Most importantly, do you feel like you can share these fears with your partner? If you’re feeling paranoid any time they’re not with you and on top of that, you don’t feel like you can be honest with them about it, that could be a sign that your relationship is lacking emotional security.

If you agree with your partner on a lot of things, that can bode well for your relationship — after all, people are much more likely to find happiness with someone who shares their beliefs and values. However, if you’re never openly disagreeing with your SO — especially when you question their judgement — then that could be a sign you’re avoiding confrontation or conflict. When you’re feeling safe in a relationship, you should be able to express a difference in opinion without bracing yourself for a major blowout.

Take note next time you find yourself pretending to share your partner’s stance on something. What are you afraid of? Are you holding back because you know you’ll have to pay a hefty emotional price for your honesty? If so, consider that you may not feel emotionally safe in your relationship, and if you feel comfortable, bring it up to your partner.

Have you noticed yourself frequently blaming your partner for your negative feelings and reactions? According to Masini, that could be another sign that there’s a lack of emotional safety in your relationship.

“When you regularly accuse your partner of behavior that you really don’t want to see, it’s often not because they’ve done anything wrong, but because you’re afraid they will,” she says. “By taking a peremptory strike at them, you’re creating drama that allows you to shed light on your fears. Often, this is not something that people are conscious of doing.”

Your brain basically has an alarm system that detects threats to our needs — and the instant it registers that your mental, physical, or emotional well-being is in danger, you have a physical reaction (the “fight or flight” response). As you probably know, a thought can set off an emotion, and the reverse is actually true, too. In other words, if you feel threatened, you’re likely to search for a reason why. As a result, you may find that you’re blaming your partner for things they haven’t done simply in order to explain why you feel so emotionally unsafe or unsteady.