7 Tips For Coming Out To Your Partner, Because Vulnerability Isn't Always Easy

Try not to put pressure on yourself about when the "right" time to come out to your SO is. "Feeling 'ready' to come out to your partner is deeply personal. It is a choice that will depend on one's own comfort, safety, and relationship dynamics," sexuality educator Jamie J. LeClaire tells Elite Daily. And because homophobia and misogyny are still present in several pockets of society, that can make coming out feel even more difficult. It's important to take your time and only speak your truth when you feel safe and ready.

"Ideally you want to have this kind of conversation in person, if you feel safe to do so," says LeClaire. If saying the words "I'm bi," or "I'm pan," or "I'm queer," out loud feel overwhelming, they suggest writing down everything you want to say in a letter and having your partner read it out loud to you.

While there might not be a perfect moment to come out to your partner, try using your best discretion about creating or waiting for a moment that feels good. "Choose a time where you have each other's focused attention and are not busy with other things," LeClaire says. So, for example, a chill night in with no plans might be an ideal time to broach the subject of sexuality with your partner. On the flip side, you might not want to come out, say, right as you two are leaving the house for bar trivia with the homies, or in the heat of an argument.

"Prepare for a range of different reactions from your partner," says LeClaire. They could react in disbelief or in anger. Their response could be less than warm. They could try and make light of the situation by saying something ignorant or shoving it away. Whatever the case may be, let your partner feel what they're going to feel, so you can move past it and have a productive conversation. And remember: They may surprise you and react far better than you might think.

Baratz suggests you be intentional about what you decide to disclose. When coming out to your partner, maybe you want to mention the queer crush you kept to yourself in high school, a kiss you had at a college party, or the revelation you had two weeks ago about a celebrity fave. But you don't have to give them all the details if you don't feel comfortable. You can simply tell them that you're attracted to people of the same gender, period. Try to be as open to questions as possible, but remember: You don't have to put up with anything you don't want to. "Allow your partner to ask questions, but disengage if there is judgement in the form of questions," Baratz says.

Try to keep in mind what you're hoping to gain from coming out to your partner — whether that's increased intimacy, a desire to just be yourself, more authenticity in your relationship, a breakup, or maybe even space to explore your sexuality through non-monogamy. Again, having a goal in mind (even if that goal is just happiness and honesty) can better prepare you for this complex conversation and keep you grounded. "Be mindful of what you think would be most helpful for you and what it is you want," Baratz says. "This is the start of an ongoing conversation that will likely occur throughout a period of time."

Similarly, LeClaire says, "You don't owe anyone an explanation for your sexuality or gender, but you should be prepared to talk with your partner about what this means for the relationship going forward." This includes how you're feeling about them, and if there are any changes you need to make in your relationship.

Depending on your relationship and what you feel you need, couples' counseling might be the right move for you. "It can be helpful to enlist the help of a non-biased, affirmative third party, to help guide discussions and allow for both partners to express vulnerability," Baratz says.

At the end of the day, you might feel like the risk of upsetting your relationship dynamic (or even breaking up) isn't worth you coming out. And while the hassle may seem huge, it's worth considering the triumph that comes with coming out as queer. If your partner is receptive and supportive, you'll probably feel a lot more at ease with yourself and significantly closer to them. You might feel like you're finally able to be your authentic self, and you might even feel hella validated and super proud because of your partner's support. Getting to exhale and be who you are is truly a reward that might very well be worth the risk. If you feel ready and comfortable about having this conversation and opening up, try not to let self-doubt or negativity stop you.

For more stories like this one, visit Elite Daily's Coming Out page.