A Guide To Drunk Texting Someone You're Dating Without Making A Fool Of Yourself

If you were to ask anyone for a guide to drunk texting, their answer will probably be some variation of: "Just, don't." But where's the fun in that? Yes, waiting ’til you're totally sobes and, you know, "in your right mind" before picking up your phone may be excellent and reasonable advice, but let's be real, shall we? Sometimes after a few whiskeys, you just wanna see the world burn... and to make out with someone... and maybe get some greasy tacos from Jack in the Box... and some ranch dressing to dip them in. That can’t be just me, right?

If you really want to avoid drunk texting, there are plenty of apps out there for that. Plus, any number of your friends will happily tackle you and take your phone away to prevent you from drunk texting someone you've just started dating. After all, conventional wisdom is that drunk texting = fail. But let's assume you've considered not drunk texting and decided to ignore that sage advice, how do you proceed without making a fool of yourself? There are no guarantees, but there are some things that you can do to increase your odds of success. Don't worry, these rules aren't going to be to complicated, because after all — you're wasted.

Determine What Time It Is

Like in all things, even drunk texting, timing is everything. Before you hit send, double check the time. The later the hour, the less likely they will appreciate your “U up?” message, especially if you know they are going to be up early the next day. In my experience, prime drunk texting hours are between 11 p.m. and 2 a.m.

Keep It Short

Save your soliloquies for sobriety, my friend. You may have had just enough whiskey sours to have tapped into a deep well of emotions and desires. But trust me, that magnum opus you have in mind is probably just a word salad with Fireball dressing on the side at this point. Instead, consider a simple “hey.” Trust me, if they are into it, they will pick up what you’re putting down. As Shakespeare once said, "Brevity is the soul of drunk texting wit." Or something like that.

Repeat After Me: No Naked Texts

Take it from me folks: Keep it in your pants. And bra. And… shoes? If you’ve had a couple drinks and start feeling uninhibited enough to think that sending an unsolicited nude pic, now is the moment to hand off the phone to your most responsible friend, immediately. Sending nudes to someone you’re dating can be awesome, but don’t make that decision when you’re drunk. When it comes to boozy texts, my motto is: Clear eyes, fully dressed, can’t lose!

Before You Hit Send, Triple Check The Recipient

We’ve all enjoyed those articles about drunk text fails. Where peeps accidentally send a request for hard core anal to their dad. Hilarious! But have you ever thought “jeez, I wish that was me!” No, of course not. So unless you someday want to end up in one of those listicles, double check that you are actually sending that drunk text to the right person.

Never Say “I Love You” For The First Time

Are you a happy drunk? Yeah, me too. I get two beers in me and suddenly I love everyone! I just want everyone to know how special they are to me. How grateful I am to have them in my life, even though we just met and our time together will end as soon as one of the bathroom stalls becomes available. People like me should have their phone regularly slapped out of their hands every weekend after about 10ish, because I may drop an L-bomb at any time. Does any of this sound familiar? Then trust me, resist the urge to share your drunken fee-fees. When the drinks wear off, you may not feel the same — and if you do, a 3 a.m. text declaring, “I tHi8k I LurVe uuuuUuu” is not the romantic gesture you think it is.

Don’t Get All Serious

Speaking of over sharing your feelings, drunkenly texting at 3 a.m. is not the moment to have a “real” talk. Yes, maybe now you have enough liquid courage to finally address what’s been on your mind, but do you really think you’re in any shape to have a productive conversation? You know what, don’t answer that. Because the correct answer is: No. If you really can’t help it and you just have to get all your feelings out in text form, write it in your notes section and send it to: No one. Then in the morning, after hydrating and lots of bread, re-read what you wrote and 1) thank me for this advice 2) have a sober conversation with them about what you realized you feel last night. When it comes to drunken texts, keep it light.

Text With An Agenda

A drunk text needs to be like surgical strike. Before you fire up those thumbs, know exactly what you are after. Is it just a quick good night and I’m thinking ‘bout cha? Is it a request for them to deliver the D? Is it a FOMO-laced invite to join you? All are legit reasons to shoot them a message; just make sure you know why you are texting them. Sending rando texts without a plan increases your chances of sending something embarrassing that you’ll regret in the morning.

Double Texting Is For Amateurs

Listen player, if you’re trying to get into the drunk texting game, you gotta do it like a boss and that means having a modicum of restraint. Double texts are for chumps. Send. One. Text. If they get back to you, then it’s game on. Just don’t fall into the trap of staring at the screen waiting for the bubble to appear or even worse, following up with a “????”. You’ll look desperate and it will make the final step that much harder…

Send The Morning Mea Culpa

If you didn’t hear back, just say nothing or shoot them the obligatory “sorry I was drunk last night” text. At the end of the day, who hasn’t made the drunken text mistake? And if they are gonna get all judgmental about it, that's lame. Who wants to date a hypocrite like that anyway? Boi, bye!

OK, now you’re as ready as you can be to get your drunk text on. I’m not going to lie to you though, there are still plenty of pitfalls ahead. Maybe just… ya know, don’t, after all? Oh, who am I kidding. Go get ‘em tiger.

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