There are so many different breeds of players out there, but as a millennial, perhaps the most common is the f*ckboi. And with so many of them lurking, you’d think he’d be easier to spot. Quite to the contrary, however: The very nature of the f*ckboi is that he’s quite the charmer, and his behavior can be a bit misleading. If you're asking yourself, am I dating a f*ckboi?
“A f*ckboi is predatory, and he makes his prey feel special while he’s got his sights set on them,” relationship and etiquette expert April Masini tells Elite Daily. “But once he has what he wants, he’s not very interested…. until he is again.”
Fortunately, there are several ways to identify a f*ckboi. Why can this be helpful? Well, depending on what you’re looking for in the dating department, it’s important to know who you’re dealing with in order to try and minimize any hurt feelings on your part. Once you know you’ve got a f*ckboi on your hands, it’s up to you to decide whether you want to cut him loose or keep things going with the expectation that it’s strictly casual.
Here are some red flags that you’ve snagged a f*ckboi this holiday season.
Your conversations are superficial at best.
It’s time to ask yourself: What do you know about this guy? If all you have absolutely no idea what his career aspirations are, what his relationship is like with his family (does he even have siblings?) or really anything of substance about him, that’s a red flag. According to Masini, superficial is a f*ckboi’s middle name.
“There’s not a lot of depth there,” she explains. “He’s fun and shallow and short-term oriented. He’s all about getting something seemingly sexual out of the relationship.”
And it makes sense, too. Why would a f*ckboi want to let you in on the deeper, more meaningful aspects of his life if he doesn’t see a long-term relationship with you? He’d rather keep you at arm’s length, and he’ll do that by making sure the convos stay as shallow as possible.
You get the feeling you're one of many.
Maybe you’ve spotted several different names popping up in his texts when he reaches for his phone, or maybe you’ve noticed that he tends to “like” and comment on certain other women's Instagram pics. Maybe you spot another girl’s scarf at his apartment. If you get this sinking feeling that you’re not the only one he’s seeing, pay attention to that gut instinct, and look for further proof.
“If your partner turns out to be the partner of several other partners at the same time, and is capricious and goes with the flow at the expense of loyalty — you’re with a f*ckboi,” explains Masini. “It’s not that he’s looking for variety. He’s looking for lots of stimulation and lots of gain.”
Of course, just because someone is hesitant to commit or casually dating multiple people doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a f*ckboi. But if he lets you believe that he’s only interested in you when his behavior suggests otherwise, that’s a red flag.
He has multiple dating apps — and you're pretty sure he's swiping right a lot.
There's no doubt about it: F*ckbois love dating apps — in fact, they’re basically their lifeblood, since they give them easy access to thousands of people. Let's be clear, however: There's nothing wrong with avidly using dating apps, or going out on dates with multiple people at once while you suss out what you want. However, if you've been given the impression that you're in an exclusive relationship and he's still swiping away, that's a red flag.
“Dating apps are one of the best tools for a f*ckboi because they feed the urge with real-life date bait,” says Masini.
So if you notice that he’s regularly checking them, that’s something worth paying attention to. For example, if you met him on an app, you might notice that he’s regularly updating his pictures or information. Or, if you met him in another context, you may simply catch him pulling out his phone and swiping when he thinks you aren’t looking. What this behavior suggests is that this guy is never really satisfied — with you, or anyone else. That’s textbook f*ckboi behavior.
He's smooth AF.
One minute you were just chatting at a cocktail bar with no intentions of hooking up, and the next thing you know you’re making out in the Uber on the way to his place. This guy is smooth AF, there’s no doubt about it — and that’s one of the hallmark traits of a f*ckboi.
“An effective f*ckboi is seductive,” says Masini. “He’s really good at getting people into bed. If you’re not feeling emotionally vampire-d, you should admire his skills. He is aggressive and tenacious. He takes this predatory stance seriously and he makes you feel like he wants you more than anyone in the world — until he’s done with you.”
There’s something a little bit dangerous about a guy who’s that suave. If he’s somehow subtly convinced you to do things you never thought you’d do, you may very well have a f*ckboi on your hands.
Suspect you’re dating a f*ckboi? It’s up to you how you react to that sneaking suspicion. First, you’ll want to honestly consider your own current dating goals.
“If you’re just in it for the fun of it, and you don’t want more, enjoy,” says Masini. “But if you’re looking for commitment and character, you’ve made a mistake. Recalibrate and move on.”
As as long as you haven’t caught any feels for your f*ckboi and you’re not looking for anything serious, there’s no harm in letting things play out.
“You may be attracted because you like his game and want a little for your own,” explains Masini. “This f*ckboi may be more than a potential boyfriend — he may be the inspiration for you to do a little f*ckboi-ing of your own!”
But what if you do want something more? It may be tempting to stick it out in hopes of seeing if there's bae potential here, but be wary of expecting your f*ckboi to change. While of course there are always exceptions, as a general rule, it's best not to assume that a f*ckboi is going to suddenly do a 180 and want a real commitment.
“This isn’t someone you should try to bring into the light,” adds Masini. “He likes the dark side. If a person wants to change, they will — but it won’t be because you want it. It’ll be because they want it, and they’re ready. Save your energy.”
That said, it's still worth a discussion before you jump ship. After all, how will you ever know what your f*ckboi really wants if you don't ask him directly? Having the conversation about defining the relationship can feel a little intimidating, but remember: you have nothing to lose. You may be surprised that he's just as down to take your relationship to a new level as well. And if he's determined to keep up his f*ckboi ways, then you can consider parting ways and pursuing other people who's needs and wants may line up better with yours.
However you choose to proceed with your f*ckboi, remember: take a cue from him and look out for number one. The most important thing is that you take your own needs into account. Many of us have fallen for a f*ckboi at one time or another, and there's no shame in getting caught up in their game. All you have to do is be honest with yourself about what you ultimately want out of it — and if it turns out to be more than your f*ckboi can give, rest assured that you'll find it elsewhere.
