In the borderline eternity I’ve been on this planet — I’m 29, suckers! — I’ve rarely made the first move, verbal or otherwise. I admire my female friends who have no trouble approaching a person they find cute. I even admire the men who have approached me with grating pick-up lines about falling from heaven and/or the color of my eyeballs. It’s hard to approach a stranger! Of all the places from my past life that I wish I could have hit on a cutie, I would choose to go back to college to figure out how to approach someone in the library. That is because a university library may be the all time best spot to perform some pickup artistry.
This is a bold declaration, but let me have this: College was the time in my life that I was around the largest concentration of cute-smarties-who-had-things-in-common-with-me. The odds of finding someone I'd get along with were simply higher. Plus, if I saw a cute person studying in the library during finals week, I already had a lot of information about them that I found attractive — I could assume they were studious, ambitious, and probably pretty smart. Who doesn’t want a studious and smart human to date and be with forever and ever? (Caveat: I admit that I am a bit of a nerd.)
During finals week in college, I specifically remember going to the library and being surprised at how many people I didn't know went to my school. (I went to Boston College, where we had a small campus, but like 9,000 undergrads.) During the semester, I would get used to seeing the same groups of people over and over — friend groups, social groups, class groups — but then, I would go to the library in the final weeks of the year and my mind would be blown! It was a magical place full of new faces! New potential lovers! New friends, even!
But alas... there is one major factor working against someone like me, who is too timid to use a pickup line, in a library: Everyone sits quietly. Plus, there's no sip of beer to help you feign confidence. In thinking about the kinds of pickup lines I would like to have used on the cute-smarties I saw in the library during my college years, I made sure to avoid lines that would sound creepy when whispered (see: intense librarians), and included some very easy lines that are borderline not obvious pickup lines for those of you who just want to dip your toes in the pool.
01"Do You Have A Phone Charger I Could Borrow?"
Yes, this is one of those practical lines for you newbies approaching cuties (like me) to try. I enjoy this because if said cutie does have a phone charger, it guarantees you a second interaction. Unless you accidentally steal their phone charger, but don't do that.
02"Mind If I Check You Out?"
OK so this is for the few bold ones of you out there who already know how to approach what you want, and don't mind a library pun. If you do try this, please report back. As one who is far too old to be hitting on dudes in college libraries, I'll be living vicariously through you.
03"Is That For 'Death and Dying'?"
True story: "Death and Dying" was an incredibly popular Sociology class at Boston College, but the class itself is besides the point. Even if you're 100 percent sure the book your cutie is reading is not from a class you have taken, pretend like it might be. Then, you can talk about how much you "loved" or "hated" that class for a minute.
04"Will You Watch My Things For A Minute?"
Again, practical, but also a great way to find out earlier if that cute person you are attracted to is actually going to steal from you. Not unlike the phone charger, this ensures a second interaction — "Thanks!"
05"Want To Take A Study Break With Me?"
Yes, even if you haven't spoken to the person you've been eyeing yet. This feels like the kind of thing a manic pixie dream girl from an early aughts movie that's called something like, I don't know, Garden State, would say to a stranger at the library before revealing her deep weirdness. If you're up for a challenge, this is your line.
06"Can I Sit Here?"
Again, not exactly a pickup line, but a great way to get in with your person and see what they smell like. Later on, if they talk, you can shush them.
07*Start A Tic-Tac-Toe And Pass It Over*
What could be smoother than starting a tic-tac-toe board and filling in your first "X" before silently passing it to the cutie across the table you've been making eyes with. In a dream world, it turns into full blown note passing back-and-forth.
08"I Hate Finals."
OK, so exhaling this in the general direction of your target human is not exactly a pick-up line, but it will help you gauge if they're up for chatting. In an ideal situation, your crush will laugh, and you can talk briefly about what you're studying for. It's finals! Everyone needs a distraction, so start small and go from there.
