3 Questions To Ask Your Partner About Sex Before You Agree to Live Together
There are many milestones you and your honey will hit in your relationship, and deciding to move in together is a major one. If you and your partner are thinking about cohabiting, you two lovebirds have probably discussed everything from how to split the rent to a plan for divvying up dish duty. Having all these conversations ahead of time is a great idea and can help you decide if you're ready to share an address with your partner. But before moving in together, ask these sex questions to really be sure you two are ready for this big step. While it's completely normal for your sex life to gradually change if you're in a long-term relationship, it can also change when you live with your partner.
Dr. Jess O'Reilly, sexologist and relationship expert, says that maintaining a healthy sex life with your partner once you cohabit is an intentional practice. O'Reilly says, "You likely have to cultivate desire as opposed to expecting it to arise spontaneously. This is normal, as the initial attraction and excitement fades alongside novelty and unpredictability." If you and your partner don't spend every night together, sex isn't even an option some nights, but that changes when you live together. O'Reilly says, "Now that you spend every night together, it’s easy to fall into the routine of leaving it for another day — and this can be perfectly healthy as long as you’re both being honest about your desires.
It's great to be mindful of how your sexual dynamic could change with your partner once you live together, and you might be able to avoid potential issues by pre-emptively having a conversation. O'Reilly suggests, "Talk about potential issues before they become sources of tension and conflict. It’s easier to address an issue when emotions are not running high, so even if you’re not have issues at this time, be proactive about the conversations." In terms of what to actually cover in your conversation, O'Reilly says, "I often suggest that couples begin with the Three Fs: Feelings, Frequency, and Fantasy." Discussing these topics before you move in together will be really informative about your long-term sexual compatibility.
What Feelings Inspire You To Have Sex?
O'Reilly says, "Talk about your core erotic feeling. This is the emotion you need to experience in order to be open to the possibility of sex. Do you need to feel loved in order to (possibly) have sex? Safe? Sexy? Desired? Challenged?" Your core erotic feeling is the feeling that you most strongly associate with sexual desire, arousal, pleasure, and fulfillment. You can find out your core erotic feeling by thinking of your hottest, most passionate sexual experience and identifying how it made you feel.
Once you can identify this for yourself and for your partner, you know how to create the best environment for both of you to get in the mood. O'Reilly also says, "Each person’s core erotic feeling is different and once you understand your own, you can take measures to make yourself experience this emotion and show your partner how they can also help you to feel this way."
How Frequently Do You Want To Have Sex?
Even if you and your partner are currently perfectly in sync about how often you want to have sex, O'Reilly says, "The most common compatibility issue often involves differential desire. You will inevitably face this at some point in the relationship, as it’s not realistic to expect a partner to want sex with the same frequency at the same time every day (or week or month) for the rest of your lives." And while you might think you know how often your partner wants to have sex, you might be surprised. O'Reilly says, "This isn’t a one-time conversation. Your desire ebbs and flows over time, so you need to revisit this conversation regularly." If you discover that you and your partner have different ideas of how often you should have sex, don't panic. O'Reilly says, "If you talk about your needs and expectations, you’re more likely to find common ground and ensure that you both feel respected and fulfilled."
What's Your Fantasy?
A big part of feeling satisfied with your sex life can involve understanding and playing out a fantasy, and broaching this subject with your partner can reveal a lot about your sexual compatibility. Consider talking to your partner about their fantasies and sharing your own. If you're hesitant to talk about your own fantasies, O'Reilly says, "Talk about the sex scenes you see on TV and in the movies. What do you like? What turns you off? It’s often easier to talk about other people’s sexual interactions than our own, but you can still gain important insights from these conversations."
Once you can identify and share your fantasies, there are productive ways to incorporate them into your sex life. O'Reilly says, "I suggest that couples reframe the way they think about fantasies to accept that thinking about an act does not mean that you want to engage in that act in real life. With this understanding, you can play with piece of a fantasy without the pressure to bring it to life."
An alternative to acting out a sexual fantasy is to find out what emotion it brings up for you and try to recreate that. O'Reilly says, "Can you identify that underlying emotion attached to your fantasy to heighten this emotion during sex? Perhaps you’re turned on by the feeling of being wanted. Or perhaps it’s the taboo and naughty nature that gets you going. Or is it the thrill of getting caught? Whatever the feeling, if you can weave it into your partnered sex play, you can enjoy the thrill of the fantasy without pursuing the fantasy itself."
Touching on these topics can help you and your partner understand each other's sexual needs and preferences on a deeper and more specific level. Again, having these conversations now, before you move in together, can help you both get on the same sexual page and help get the most out of your sexual relationship once you become roommates. It's completely normal and natural that your sex life will go through phases and change as time passes, but if you establish an open line of communication about the Three Fs with your partner, you'll be able to talk about any issues that could arise in the future.
