9 Important Questions To Ask Your Ex Before Getting Back Together

This is number one on the list of questions to ask your ex. “Many couples get off on the wrong footing by assuming they are on the same page or that they understand where [the other] person is at in their lives,” Chelsea Leigh Trescott, breakup coach and podcast host of Thank You Heartbreak, tells Elite Daily. If your ex is not into it, then it's not worth pursuing.

“Once you have asked them whether they’d be open to getting back together, believe what they tell you,” she says. “Too often we’ll ask a pointed question and not actually hear or want to believe the person’s answer. Instead, we’ll convince ourselves we can change their mind or even try convincing them that they just need more time.” This will only lead to messiness and negative energy between you and your ex. “Heartache can be avoided by respecting one another enough to allow them to be entitled to their truth and their timeline,” Trescott says.

You may have your own ideas of why the relationship ended, but it's also really helpful to hear what your ex thinks. “How we perceive the end of a relationship often colors how we enter into our next relationship,” Trescott says. “It’s imperative that you and your ex share the read you have on why the relationship ended to begin with.”

Even if the two of you discussed it at length at the time of the breakup, it's very possible their feelings on it have changed. It's important to make sure you know where they stand on the breakup before you dive back in — that way, you can avoid making past mistakes.

You're not trying to put them on the spot with this question — they don't have to pull out a degree and prove they've been working. You just want to know if their thoughts on relationships have shifted and if there's any change in outlook that might affect a new relationship with you. "If both people have grown in their relationship skills, it could feel like a new relationship," Monica Parikh, dating and relationships coach at School of Love NYC, previously told Elite Daily. Be sure to share what you've learned as well — open communication is always healthy.

Again, you're not trying to point fingers here. “With this kind of question, tone is everything,” Trescott says. “You want to make sure that you’re not putting the other person on the defensive, coming down on them with the idea that if only they had acted differently, a breakup could have been avoided.” You're just trying to understand exactly how they felt about the relationship so you don't repeat past mistakes. Maybe your relationship ended very amicably, but it's still helpful to know if there's any part they wish they could rewind. Still, try not to dwell too much on the past here. “Remember, this isn’t an exercise in rewriting history,” Trescott notes, “but it is an opportunity to promise a different future.”

If you're going to ask them what they would have changed, it's important to listen to what they think you should have changed. You might even want to ask this question first to open the door for vulnerability. “It shows your willingness to receive feedback and your understanding that relationships are a two-way street,” Trescott says. This question isn't a chance for them to tell you what's wrong with you, it's a chance for you to communicate and iron out any past issues. “To take this question even deeper, you could ask, ‘How could I have done a better job loving you?’” she suggests. “This demonstrates your interest in not only acting differently, but acting lovingly.”

This can be any type of issue — anything from sharing toothpaste to having children is on the table. “Rarely do relationships end where both parties feel like they have dotted all their I’s and crossed every T,” Trescott says. Asking this question will let you know what you're working with, and you'll know what you're jumping back into. It will also help you figure out if the issues actually can be resolved. If you have irreconcilable differences — for instance, one of you wants to buy a house and have kids, while the other wants to stay childfree and travel the world — it’s probably not worth getting your heart invested again.

The purpose of this question isn't to find out if your breakup ruined their life forever. It's to find out if there were old issues in the relationship that maybe have cleared up. “If you find out their life hasn’t changed since the breakup, then you can be fairly certain that getting back together would wind up being more of the same,” Trescott says.

It’s also important to show an interest in your ex-partner’s life since you’re hoping to be part of their future. “If you’re looking to gain back someone’s trust and confidence, you’ll need to show a sincere curiosity in their life,” Trescott says. “This question is a solid starting point.”

The willingness to work on problems is critical. No relationship is perfect, and there were probably some reasons why it ended the first time. "Both people have to take responsibility, accountability, and acknowledge what they need to change, and then actually make the changes," Trina Leckie, breakup coach and host of the breakup BOOST podcast, previously told Elite Daily. "Both people have to be willing and able to let go of the past and concentrate on the now." As long as your ex is on board to work through the issues with you, then getting back together with them can be a healthy choice.

This is a great question to ask at the start of any relationship! It gives you an idea of what they're looking for, and it can be really helpful when seeing if your visions for the future align. “It gives the other person the space to dream about what they truly desire,” Trescott says. “From there, the question becomes whether we could realistically provide each other this ideal relationship.” Just because your ideal relationships don't match, doesn't mean it won't work out — it just provides you with context for why your partner wants certain things in a relationship. “In other words, idealism aside, are we actually the right choice for each other?” Trescott asks.