Whether you sleep with a new boo on the first date, after getting married, or literally never — when it comes to sex, the only rule is consent. If you and your partner(s) are consenting adults, getting it on in whatever way feels right is right. And while your preferences are your own, it can sometimes be helpful to hear the experiences of others when finding what works best for you. From knowing how long to date before sleeping over to how often to sleep over — listening to friends, big sisters, or heck, even some sage strangers, can help in refining your own preferences.
Having sex is one thing, but sometimes, spending the night can totally be another. If you've stressed about navigating how many dates you should go on before sleeping over at a new boo's, you're not alone. Old ( and sexist and slut-shame-y) rhetoric often warns against sleeping over on the first date, whereas quippy internet-feminist T-shirts may tell us to "Be a slut! Do whatever you want!" But how do we know what we want? When it comes to finding the ins and outs of getting it on, speaking with others can often help you feel more supported in the sex that you're having.
I spoke with nine women about how long they choose to see someone before spending the night.
01Third Time's A Charm
"I would say three dates would be a suffice round number. But I mean one is also totally OK."
—Kenna, 24
02No One Answer
"It always depends. It always depends. How I'm feeling, how they're feeling. There's no one answer."
—Lena, 27
03It Depends
"Some people it's been first date, some people it's like three or four, some folks I've dated I never wound up staying over before we stopped seeing each other."
-Jenna, 25
04Just One
"I'd say one date than sleepover. Usually I like one semi-awkward date and then it there's a second we sleep together. Pretty consistent pattern for me."
— Alexis, 22
05No Dates
"I don't really date like normal people. I go out a lot and usually end up going home with people I meet that night."
—Alesin, 23
06Cancer Queen
"Probably three or four times we hooked up before she was like at my house. But idk I'm a Cancer so I'm always like come over, 'Let's order in!' haha."
— Zoe, 23
07Give It Time
"As Stevie Nicks would say, 'Time makes you bolder' take as much time as you need!"
— Soph, 25
08Not On The First
"Hmmm ... I don’t think there’s a formula. Depends on how comfortable you are with the person and how serious you wanna get. But as a general rule, not on the first date."
— Macy, 30
09Whenever You Want
"I've starting seeing people and haven't sleep over for a while and then other times I've wanted to sleep over the first time I've hung out with someone. Sometimes I get bogged down by old rules about "if you want to date someone hold on on sleeping with them" but I think the right person for me wouldn't buy into that BS anyway. If someone wants to be my partner they're gonna be my partner whether we have sex soon or late."
— Gemma, 24
When it comes to finding how many dates feels right before sleeping over, the answer is that it is ultimately up to you and the people you're seeing. As long as everyone is a consenting adult, whatever timeline is best for you is the best timeline.
