Here’s How Often You And Your Partner Should Be Getting It On, According To Experts
Sex is great, but have you ever wondered how much sex is too much sex? Honestly, how often should you sleep with your partner in an average week? What's considered "normal" varies from relationship to relationship, so don't fret. Plenty of folks ask themselves the same questions, especially if they aren't getting it on all the time. Part of that just comes down to how the honeymoon phase can set unrealistic expectations for how much sex you and your partner will have. During that (oh so wonderful) time, you want to get it on every single chance you get — maybe even multiple times a day.
Now, don't get me wrong. This a really fun and exciting phase in a relationship. But where it can become a problem is when you associate all that sex with "peak" happiness and connection in the relationship. So when things inevitably start to slow down in the bedroom, you might worry that you're losing that connection, and that the only way to get things back on track is more sex, obvi.
Well, not obvi, actually! How would you feel if I told you that the "right" amount of sex for a couple to have weekly is less than what it was during the honeymoon phase? In fact, it's a lot less. To find out how often you should be sleeping with your partner, I reached out to the experts, and what they have to say might just surprise you. When it comes to sex, it turns out more isn't always the solution.
How often you should be having sex with your partner
While every relationship is a little bit different, licensed counselor and sex therapist Sarah Watson tells Elite Daily that on average, couples in the 20-40-year-old age range have sex “around one to two [times] a week.” The frequency, she explains, can be affected by various factors including, “stress, sleep, schedules, desire, lack of communication, finances, etc.."
“When your stressors, lack of sleep, or issues with schedule are in the way, it doesn't allow for eroticism," says Watson. "No eroticism, most likely, leads to no sex.” If that number sounds low, don't worry. Turns out, having sex once a week is actually ideal. A study conducted by the Society for Personality and Social Psychology, in which over 30,000 Americans were surveyed over four decades, found that “Although more frequent sex is associated with greater happiness, this link was no longer significant at a frequency of more than once a week," lead researcher Amy Muise said. "Our findings suggest that it's important to maintain an intimate connection with your partner, but you don't need to have sex everyday as long as you're maintaining that connection." And couples who had sex more than once a week didn’t report feeling any happier or more fulfilled in their relationships.
When it *does* become something to worry about
Sex therapist and sexologist Stefani Threadgill tells Elite Daily that a sign there may be a problem in your sex life isn't how often you're having sex, but rather, how much energy you're putting into worrying about it.
“When your sex life is good, it feels like 20 percent" of what makes your relationship fulfilling, she explains, because it creates "a foundation for a deeper, stronger emotional connection." Conversely, "when it is not going well, it feels like 80 percent of the relationship." In other words, the value we put on the sexual aspect of our relationships actually increases when the relationship is lacking in other areas. And this, Threadgill warns, "is a recipe for accelerated disconnection [and] difficulty in focusing on the positive things happening in your life."
Another sign there may be a problem, says dating and relationships expert and licensed marriage and family therapist Anita Chlipala, is if you're starting to look elsewhere to meet your sexual needs. “If you're thinking about having an affair and you justify it because you're not having enough sex, you need to talk to your partner about it,” Chlipala tells Elite Daily. She adds, “For my clients, sex isn't just about the sex. It’s about things such as being desired, sexy, feeling connected, fun, and playfulness. Make sure to stress these parts of why sex is so meaningful to you so that your partner doesn't get hung up on the frequency of sex.”
What to do if you’re not satisfied with your sex life
If you’re unhappy with the current level of intimacy in your relationship, but love your partner and want to stay with them, Chlipala says it’s possible to get things back on track — but it will take some effort. “Some people believe that sex should be like you see in the movies. [That you should be] automatically turned on by the sight of your partner and it should be passionate always. There's a difference between responsive desire and spontaneous desire. Sometimes you can be turned out without any effort, but other times — and for some, most of the time — you have to do the work to get turned on.”
It also doesn’t hurt to get some outside, expert help. “I urge people to come to me before they are bored in their sex life, which undoubtedly contributes to feelings of rejection and resentment,” says Threadgill. “I tell my patients to come in as a proactive investment in their relationship versus a last-ditch effort once the relationship is starting to deteriorate. I recommend couples seek sex therapy early and often.”
While the study shows that about once a week is the average number of times fulfilled couples reported having sex, the reality is that every relationship is a little different and that you get to chose what feels right for you. With that in mind, I’ll leave you with some final advice from Watson, who says “There is no number of times that is ‘right.’ You need to discuss with your partner what you desire, need, and want. Communicate. Decide together what is right, shoot for that and be OK if you don't always make it there.”
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