Some people know what turns them on sexually from as far back as they can remember. For others, figuring out what they want in bed is a process. Sometimes, this process takes a bit of exploration and a bunch of trial and error. How to find out what you like in bed might sound complicated, but fear not — it doesn't have to be. Actually, exploring your sexual fantasies and dormant kinks can be incredibly fun.
Maybe you grew up in a very sex-positive environment, so you've known what gets you going forever. But if you came of age surrounded by a less-than-positive sex education, it might not be as simple. Both situations, and any in between, are normal and totally OK. And if you started young, there's nothing wrong with that either. When it comes to discovering yourself sexually, there is no "normal," according to intimacy and sexuality coach Irene Fehr.
"At a young age (as early as two or three), some kids masturbate because it feels good to touch themselves — not because it is sexual or they are interested in a sexual act," Fehr tells Elite Daily. "In adolescence and later, masturbation might continue to be a pleasurable activity, and it might also arise as a response to sexual tension. Adults who may have enjoyed masturbation from an early age, might feel shy, closed off or ashamed to share the experience of their pleasure and orgasm with another person later in life."
Fehr notes that self-touch and exploration are normal at any age and not something to feel ashamed of. She also says that whatever your early experiences were, it's possible for everyone to develop a healthy relationship with their sexuality in adulthood — and this includes figuring out what you find appealing in the bedroom.
If you're not sure exactly what gets you going, there are plenty of fun and sexy ways to find out. Everyone deserves to have a healthy and satisfying sex life, and the first step to making that happen is getting to know yourself, sexually. This way, you can effectively communicate what you want to your partner(s) and everybody wins. According to experts, here are some ways to uncover your sexual desires.
01Don't worry about whether or not your turn-ons are "weird."
Everyone's into their own unique turn-ons, and they might not always be what would turn you on, or me, or anyone else. But the good news is that as long as you're not hurting anybody (unless they're into that), then there's no reason to be ashamed of what intrigues you — we don't choose what turns us on.
"Many people feel guilty for having particular types of fantasies or thinking about the 'wrong' person, but fantasy is free space," sexologist and relationship expert Dr. Nikki Goldstein told Elite Daily. "Sexual fantasies are endless and there is also no right or wrong. It can be as crazy or weird as you would like because it's your free space."
02Tune-in to what excites you.
So, now that we know there's no need to worry about your fantasies, it's time to start noticing the effect the outside world has on you, personally.
"Becoming conscious of what excites us is the key to figuring out our sexual fantasies. This requires being attuned to where our attention (and interest) goes throughout the day," NYC author and relationship expert Susan Winter told Elite Daily.
Once you become tuned-in to how certain things make you feel, this can give you some useful insight into what types of fantasies you might want to explore. If you're having trouble zeroing on what attracts you, here are some questions Winter recommends asking yourself:
Did you recently see a movie with a really hot love scene? What was it that made that scene so exciting? Did you read a book with a romantic storyline that felt intriguingly stimulating? If so, what was it about that scenario that you found so arousing? Did you hear someone retelling the story of a sexual interlude that turned you on? What part of that story set you on fire?
03Reflect on your previous sexual experiences.
"Look for patterns in the kind of interactions and conversations you've had with partners that lead up to sex; what kind of touch turned you on before as well as the order of things that felt good to you," suggests Fehr.
Even if you're not satisfied with your sex life, knowing the bare-minimum of what turns you on sexually can definitely help you figure out what you might be interested in trying.
"Also pay attention to turn-offs as that's equally important to know about yourself, so you can avoid what kills the mood and hone in on what works instead," says Fehr.
04Get your partner(s) in on the action.
"Experience is the only way to know what we like or don't like," said Winter. "But to give any new fantasy a fair shake, it needs to be done in a safe and supportive environment. This would require having a conversation with your partner."
Once you've done some brainstorming about what things you might like to try in bed, the next step is to let your partner know what you've been thinking about. If the thought of opening up about trying something new feels too scary at first, Winter recommended putting the ball in their court.
"Begin the conversation by focusing on your partner's needs. As you listen, stay open and unruffled by whatever you hear. The moment your partner feels that you don't judge them, you've just established the perfect platform for your honesty as well," Winter said.
05Start listening to what your body wants.
Once you've let you bae(s) know what you'd like to try, the only logical next step is to try it! However, sometimes we have fantasies that we may or may not actually enjoy IRL, so according to Fehr, it's important to stay really tuned-in when experimenting with something new.
"Listen to your body as you try new things and see what indeed feels good and what doesn't. When it comes to desires, there are desires we conjure up in our heads based on 'that could be fun,' and then there are desires that our body is sharing with us," explains Fehr.
See? Sussing out what you want from sex might seem a bit nerve-wracking at first, but it's actually pretty straightforward. Don't judge yourself, become more observant, test out your findings, and repeat!
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