4 Relationship Tips For When You Disagree About Moving In Together

I know this is way easier said than done, but if your boyfriend doesn’t want to move in together or if your girlfriend wants to renew her (separate) lease, try your best not to take their decision personally. Their choice doesn't mean your relationship is any less wonderful or solid.

"There are a lot of reasons someone could be nervous about moving in that have nothing to do with the strength of the relationship," says Richardson. "For example, if a person is an introvert, the idea of moving in with someone could feel like giving up the promise of much-needed solitude in times of stress."

Maybe your partner just needs to ensure they're getting time to themselves, or maybe they're terrified you'll be turned off if you ever see their secret single behavior. Maybe they can’t afford a big move right now, or they’d rather save cohabitation for when you’re engaged or married. "Many happy couples have deliberately chosen to live separately, as it provides them with space and autonomy they need to be happy," adds Monica Parikh, dating and relationship coach at the School of Love NYC. "Refrain from making sweeping generalizations or judgments."

You shouldn’t jump to any harsh conclusions about your relationship based on some disagreements about moving in together, but you also shouldn’t ignore how the situation makes you feel. "You must always pay attention to and honor your feelings," says Parikh. "I've seen too many people go silent on expressing their feelings, to the detriment of the relationship. Don't rationalize away negative feelings. You must honor your feelings first if you expect others to do the same."

This advice will come in handy any time you encounter a disagreement in a relationship, but it's especially helpful if you two are on different wavelengths about a decision as major as moving in. Basically, it's important to remember that both you and your partner are entitled to your own emotional reactions. Your feelings — be they good, bad, or ugly — are valid. Don't bottle up your frustrations or talk yourself out of feeling something simply because it'd be easier not to feel it. As a textbook bottle-upper myself, I can guarantee that talking through an issue, and encouraging your SO to do the same, is a million times more helpful in the long run.

Having an uncomfortable or even awkward conversation now is a much better alternative to moving in before you feel 100% ready. "If you move in when you aren’t ready, resentments will grow and it could really damage the relationship," explains Richardson. "Talk about how much you value the relationship and how you would like the relationship to move forward."

Let yourself feel those feels. And when appropriate, discuss them with your partner. Even if your boyfriend doesn’t want to move in together right now and you do, you should be on the same page about sharing your emotions.

Once you and your partner have had an open and frank discussion about why you're not ready to take the plunge and move in together, put a pin in that conversation, at least for a little while. Otherwise, this disagreement will constantly feel like the elephant in the room (a room you two are not ready to share full-time).

"If possible, agree to a moratorium on future talk for a little while," suggests Parikh. "Go back to enjoying the relationship and one another." That might be easier said than done, but having an honest conversation and airing out your feelings will make it so much more doable.

That doesn’t mean you should bring up the disagreement once and then forget about it. Discuss how you feel with your partner during the initial conversation and then see if you can agree on a time to circle back to the topic. "Consciously dedicating time and energy for [important] conversations prevents misunderstandings and fights that too often come from discussing topics that are important — and often, laden with charge — on the fly, where it's harder to connect and really listen and be with each other,” intimacy and sexuality coach Irene Fehr previously told Elite Daily.

Remember that moving in together is not the only next step you can take. Too often, couples compare themselves to their peers, but it's impossible to measure the success of two totally different relationships with the same timeline or metaphorical yard stick.

So, instead of focusing solely on the fact that you haven’t moved in, try to look for other ways to deepen your connection. "If moving in is not an option, what are some other ways you could increase your emotional intimacy and time together?" asks Richardson.

Just because sharing a living space isn't the right next step doesn’t mean you’re stuck in a rut. Brainstorm other ways you can move your relationship forward (without jumping into anything you aren't prepared for). Maybe aim to take more vacations as a couple, agree to spend a certain number of nights together per week, or sign up for a class to start a new hobby.

Oh, and don't forget that moving in, getting married, and starting a family is by no means a path you have to take. "Move away from thinking that 'marriage' or 'cohabitation' should be the end goal," says Parikh. "These are not end goals, but usually the beginning of a more complicated life passage. So, handle everything with great care and love!"