While I wish we all lived in a beautiful world full of unicorns, rainbows, and sample sales, unfortunately reality consists of some things that aren't always pleasant — like lies. Some lies are fairly harmless, like the hostess at brunch telling you the wait for your table is only 10 minutes when you know it's going to be at least an hour. But some lies can really sting, especially if they come from someone you love. While sometimes you might be able to tell right away if your boyfriend or girlfriend is lying to you, sometimes you might not. Luckily, there are several red flags that can help you identify when your bae might not be telling the truth.
First of all, if you suspect your partner is lying to you, you should absolutely call them out on it. I spoke to Dr. Grant Hilary Brenner, co-founder of Neighborhood Psychiatry, about how to do this. He says, "Be upfront, tactful and non-accusatory. We have to know our own issues in order to deal with intimate others. If someone is more suspicious, has a family or personal history of being deceived or betrayed, it's important to manage those feelings in order to have a constructive conversation when we suspect someone of lying to us."
Your intuition will likely give you a metaphorical kick in the gut when you sense something is off with your partner, but here are certain "tells" that could help you determine if they're being untruthful.
They're Defensive
If you ask your boyfriend or girlfriend why they didn't text you back last night and their answer is really defensive, that could be a red flag. Brenner says, "When people are defensive, it can be a clue that a cover-up is taking place. Especially when a partner brings up a concern which affects them deeply, such as a fear of infidelity, and the other person reacts as if they had been injured, becoming indignant and going on the counter-attack, rather than being loving and showing care." So if a simple explanation is delivered really defensively, there might be more to the story.
Their Eyes Shift
If the eyes are the window to the soul, then eye contact could reveal a lot about whether or not someone is telling you the truth. Susan Winter, NYC-based dating and relationship expert, told Elite Daily, "When trying to remember an event, we shift our eyes up and to the right." But when someone is telling a lie, their eyes will automatically shift to the left. "This is an old-school 'tell,'" Winter said. "It means your partner is telling or is thinking of an excuse." So, keep your eyes on the prize, honey.
They Have Nervous Energy
If I was lying to someone I loved, you bet I'd be nervous AF. Even the most seasoned liar can still exhibit physical signs of nervousness when they lie, because their sympathetic nervous system kicks in when they start saying things that aren't true. Robert Glatter, M.D., an assistant professor of emergency medicine at Lenox Hill Hospital, Northwell Health, told Elite Daily, "When the sympathetic nervous system is activated, this may lead to outward physical signs such as sweating, twitching of muscles, pressured speech, and increased muscle tension." So noticing these physical signs can lead you to the truth.
They Turn It Back On You
If you start to poke holes in a story your partner is telling you or maybe even simply say you don't believe them, they might defensively turn the tables on you. By accusing you of lying or of being unreasonably suspicious, they're hoping to move the focus to you. In order to do this, "He or she shifts the questioning to you. Your partner asks where you were or whom you were with, accuses or attacks you, in order to deflect the heat," Winter told Elite Daily. If that happens, try to stay calm and stay focused on what your partner is saying and doing.
So while these clues could help you find out the truth, being lied to by someone you love is still a pretty awful thing. Brenner also cautions, "Past history of lying is a good predictor of future lying. If trust is shaky in the relationship, it has to be addressed." Trust is beyond important in a relationship, but take heart — it is possible to repair trust if it's broken.
