If Your Friend With Benefits Doesn't Text Back, Here's Exactly What To Do
It can be super, duper frustrating when your friend with benefits doesn't text back. First off, chances are that you're texting your FWB because frankly, you're incredibly horny. So, that sucks. (Fortunately, sex toys can solve the horniness, even though they can't make your FWB text back.) Second, it's awkward because you're left hanging. Since you're not in a committed, monogamous relationship, you really don't know where you stand with the other person. All you want to know is whether you have a consistent, sanctioned d*ck or strap-on appointment or not.
The main thing you have to keep in mind is this, marriage and family therapist Kiaundra Jackson says: "You cannot expect 'relationship behavior' from someone who does not hold that title." That is to say, whether your f*ck buddy has ghosted you for a few days or even a few weeks, there actually isn't any pressure on them to text you back because of the nature of being f*ck buddy. "The other person is not obligated to call or text you at all," Jackson says. "The agreement is sex and most times, sex only!" That being said, there are two routes you can take if your FWB isn't texting you back and it's bothering you — because it's very natural and human to be frustrated at the situation.
You can call them out
Keeping in mind that your FWB isn't obligated to respond in any particularly amount of time, you can still politely call them out for not texting back. In fact, calling folks out for ghosting you is absolutely OK. Text them and ask what happened. They could possibly give you a pretty solid answer as to why they've been off the grid lately or what they've been caught up with — they might even apologize. If they don't have a concrete answer, you can ask them why they're such a bad texter.
That being said, if you question your FWB about their lackluster texting efforts, Jackson warns, "They will feel pressure and may distance themselves. This may be an indicator that you want more than what the other person can provide to you." And then you have to be honest with yourself. Do you want more?
You should re-examine what you want out of the situation(ship)
In an ideal world, you and your f*ck buddy would have established rules when entering a FWB situation. This includes what kind of sex you want to have (kinks or no kinks, soft or rough, what are your boundaries) and how often. It also includes whether it's a "get in and get out," 3 a.m. "u up?" text situation or whether the two go on dates, even as FWBs. But of course, that won't always the case. "When that does not happen, people start to catch feelings and make assumptions about the other person's actions," Jackson points out. So, if you haven't laid any ground rules with your f*ck buddy, do that ASAP. And if they aren't working for you, sit down with your FWB and tweak them ASAP.
"If you want more then you need to state that immediately, to see if the person is emotionally available to meet those needs," Jackson says. So, for example, there's nothing wrong with letting your FWB know that you'd like more attention or need more consistent communication — even if that's just checking in about hookup sessions. It could help to lead the conversation with why you'd like to text more often, so it feels less accusatory. Marriage and family therapist Nicole Richardson told Elite Daily, "You are far more likely to get your needs met if you help your partner understand how you feel instead of just telling them what they are doing wrong." While she was speaking in regard to monogamous, committed partners, the same logic applies with FWB.
Beyond texting, there's nothing wrong either with letting your FWB know that you want more in the grander sense, a.k.a. a relationship. As Jackson says, you can't expect relationship behavior from someone who doesn't hold that title. So, if you're craving relationship behavior, you're going to have to speak up and get that ball rolling.
Both routes involve potentially tough conversations that aren't exactly "sexy," unless you take into account the fact that honesty, transparency, and getting exactly what you need sexually is actually very sexy. But know that you'll definitely be better off for having them. In the mean time, though, cozy up to your favorite vibrator or sex toy, and enjoy the wait.
